Discussion Forum

Dear Spoof

At this festive time of year my thoughts naturally turn to organised religion and in particular the funeral of our beloved Pope John Paul XVCMVIIII where the tv commentator gravely announced "There lies the body of the stricken Pontiff, his bishops hat laying on his chest"

What a tragedy then that he chose to become a man of God instead of a porn star where he would have been an absolute sensation.

Dr Rowan Lemsip
Arsebishop Of Croydonbury
Pub

Dear spoof

I went to the doctor's with an arse infection.

He took a look and said-

'Hah! Bumbug!'

Emma royde
Gagging Forum
Dorset

Dear spoof

I went to the doctor's with an arse infection.

He took a look and said-

'Hah! Bumbug!'

Emma royde
Gagging-Forum
Dorset

Dear Spoof,

In the early hours of the 25th of December, I caught a big fat fukin burglar, creeping round my house. When I challenged him, he spat a chewed up mince pie all over me, and went to grab a glass of milk, my lazy fukin kids had left on the side. I kicked him in the cobblers, and set fire to his beared, must of been a sailor or something.

Anyway, I chased him out the house, and as luck would have it, there was a herd of deer in the garden, the twat fell straight in thier shit!

Do you know, there was not one fukin present under the tree in the morning! And they say there is a Father Christmas........C*nt.

Regards

Adanoid Scrumfonter
The hepiwats
Little Bumstead
Cambs

Dear Spoof

I was in the market here in France on Christmas Eve and I saw a sign which said 'Turkey arses going cheap'.

I didn't fight in two wars just so the cheese-eating surrender monkeys couldn't tell which end a turkey makes a noise. Anyway they gobble like a tart in Pigalle, they don't cheap, and it is a well-known fact that turkeys do NOT fart.

Sod the French!

Col.Horatio Halfnelson (rtd.The Queen's own Boyle Lancers)
Holly Cottage
Prickle Bottom
Herts

Dear Spoof

I handed in my resignation at the helium balloon factory today.

I wasn't going to have people talking to me like that!

Tony Indigestion
Chalfont St Giles

Dear Spoof,

I have handed in my notice at the sewer works. They really do take the piss.


Vaguard Otterhume
Ninny on the Slipon
Beds

Dear Spoof,

I have resigned from the citrus peeling job what I had.

They were taking the pith.

Dear Spoof,

Yesterday, Mr Danton sold me a New Year, it is now ten at night and it has not arrived, I am going to bed, and only hope, for Mr Dantons reputation, it will be delivered by the morning.

Limpsol Wescoat-Simkins
The Sicnoximent
Patanoster
Cumbria

I'm sure it will. He looks like a respectable chappy.

Dear Spoof

It's half an hour off 2012 and I'm sober again. Last year it was pneumonia. Can't for the life of me figure out what's up this year.

Please advise.

Your loving son

Skoob.

Gold is up. But don't invest just yet because it might have reached its peak. My advice is Rock Hopper Falkland Oil explorations. Its set to go through the roof this year.

Dear Spoof

I'm not a violent nor indeed a particularly harsh man but I'd like to suggest that Ms Frogpond be set alight and then run over by a spiked steamroller for omitting the "Dear Spoof" preamble to her no doubt extremely salient and profitable, dirty capitalist fiscal advice back there.

Normally I'd suggest hanging and disembowelment with a soup ladle for so heinous an oversight but I'm prepared to defer punishment of such a cruel nature in view of the fact that she's a member of the fair species and opt for a lighter and more caring punishment as befits a member of the gentler sex.

STEAMROLLER HER !!!......STEAMROLLER HER I SAY!.......STEAMROLLER SOME SENSE INTO HER!!!!!

As you were.

Dear Spoof,

I entirley agree with Mr Danton, "Burn the Witch" for not following protocol, and when she is burnt, we can laugh....Do you hear!!!!.....Laugh....HAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!....I am not mad..........MEEEEEE.....AHAHAHAHAHAA!!....Burn burn burn!!!.......

Or we could just give Frogpond a ticking off?

Love you Froggy


Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Where's the ducking stool

(voice off) In the ducking cupboard wanker!

Dear Spoof

Mr Armandhammer-Gently-Corrective-Smoker's-Toothpowder. You are a cruel man sir but fair.

Mr Lynton. Do you actually WANT to be run over by a spiked steamroller?
If so there are specialist magazines for people of your ilk........allegedy. Ahem. *shuffles about awkwardly and looks down at shoes*

Dear Spoof

Burglars. Before leaving your next rifled property spend half an hour lying in the chest freezer so that the police helicopters wont be able to pick up your body heat on their thermal imaging cameras as you escape through people's back gardens.

Ronald Fuck
Ashton Under Lyme

Dear Spoof

Want to know the difference between yer arse and yer elbow? Well, there's two lumps on yer arse, and two lumps on yer...

Hang on...that's wrong...

Gerbil Futtbuck

Gorgeous.

Dear spoof,

My new leather sofa keeps mooing, do you think the horns sticking out of the cushions, and the piles of shit on the Wilton rug, are a sign of bad workmanship?


Sincerely

Lompot Anrentot
Humpy Ajax

Staffs.

Dear Spoof

After committing a burglary last week I made the mistake of trying to escape a pursuing police dog by crawling through a plastic tunnel and then leaping through a hoop of fire. I was finally brought down by the brute as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.

Marvin Heterosexual
Bavaria

Dear Spoof

If Mr. Clive Danton, mechanic, ever tries to posh himself up by calling himself 'Clive D'Anton, reparateur des carosses' shall we at last be able to hang him as a French spy?

If so I'll bring my knitting

Dear Spoof

The wife comes home today, so I'll be busy cleaning up 2,000 or so empty beer cans, a few hundred fag butts and my DVD collection of Asian porn. Also, I'll have to run the hoover round, do the washing up, and get the feather duster out. If anyone feels like giving me a hand, just drop in.

Regards

Skoob.

Dear Spoof

Be so kind as to inform Monsieur Lyndonette that I found his allusion to the French Revolution both harsh, thoughtless and extremely hurtful as a celebrated ancestor of mine, Georges Danton, was in actual fact no stranger to Madame Guillotine and indeed once suffered the considerable ignominy and inconvenience of having his head separated from his shoulders by the aforementioned contraption in 1759.

His last words were recorded as being..."Infamy!...Infamy!...They've only chopped my bastard head off!"

On the bright side it's what he would have wanted.

Dear Spoof

I was intrigued to learn by reading the above that Mr Skoob is an avid collector and afficianado of Asian pornography.

Personally I found this particular genre of hardcore grumble material extremely unfulfilling and indeed exhausting. In short after watching a two hour film featuring two Chinese lesbians cavorting naked in a variety of improbable positions and masturbating to completion 3 times during the piece I found myself wanting to repeat the exercise half an hour later.

Dear Spoof,

Re, Mr Danton and his missive about pornography. Can I point out, they were not Chinese Lesbians, but midget acrobats wearing tight shorts. Mr SKOOB will verify.


Yours Sincerely

Fandango Lopisold
The Mudnge
Little swelpot

Staffs.