Discussion Forum

Dear Spoof:

How come Lindsay Lohan is asked to pose for Playboy Magazine and I'm not?

(Name withheld upon request)
Democratic US House Minority Leader
Washington DC

Dear Spoof

Now that iconic North Korean dictator and fabled life and soul of the party Kim Jong-il has passed away I wonder if his name will be changed by the party machine to Kim Jong-History.

Martin Beri-Beri
Hants

Dear Spoof,

With regard to Mr Denton and his letter re Kim Jong Il.
Am I to understand that the leaders name is Kim Jong, and is ill? Or has Mr Denton got it right.

Youps Sensinly

Madge Propup
Dyslexic Typists Forum

Dear Spoof:

A new safety warning cautions women not to inadvertently mix up their electric razors and vibrators.

Vagina Baldy
Smoothbore Oklahoma

Dear Spoof

I wonder if you could prevail upon Mr Armandhammer-Toothpaste to get my name right as it's second only to people jeering at my hat in the pantheon of things that I find deeply hurtful and distressing.

Mind you it's not as bad as the time I was forced to make the walk of shame in the chemists past a sniggering gaggle of single mums waiting for their genital warts prescriptions after the chemist had bellowed out "Prescription for Mr Olive Danton!"

Dear Spoof,

With regard to Mr Danton and the sudden name change imposed by Mr Armfeetandtoe. May we point out, that he has chinese eyes, and therefore reads at the slope. While we understand this may be of little interest, it would help, if Mr Danton spelt his name in cantonese, to avoid such mistakes in the future, and cause many Korean dictators distress. We hope this clears the matter up, and stops the itching.

Best regards

Epiglotis Mucus
The English Forum
Old Peasemould
Little Futtock
Banbury
OXON

Dear Spoof

Whatever happened to Mr Pastry that half-baked comedian who was on telly when I was a kid? Did you know he nearly became Dr. Who after Jon Pertwee? He DID! Don't argue!

B Gainbasement
Walworth

Dear Spoof

Please inform my good friend Arm that nothing good will come of his penchant for all things Chinese.

I had a Chinese dog once and always took it for a walk in the mornings. Trouble was half an hour later I wanted to take it for another one

Leonard Gizzard
Great Ormond Street

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Quote: Lynton

Dear Spoof

Whatever happened to Mr Pastry that half-baked comedian who was on telly when I was a kid? Did you know he nearly became Dr. Who after Jon Pertwee? He DID! Don't argue!

B Gainbasement
Walworth

---

Dear Spoof.

If Mr Lynton can remember antiquated comedians like Mr Pastry I'm wondering whether he's ever considered submitting his body for carbon dating or as an artefact on The Antique's Roadshow.

You never know he could be one of a pair!

Tim Stomach-Disorder
Preston
Germany

Dear Spoof

As part of my 5 a day regime I recently ate 5 satumas that I found left over from last Christmas at the back of the fridge.

I woke the next morning covered in runny yellow excrement and began vomiting into a bucket.

What's so bloody healthy about that?


Simon Chesty-Cough
Prison

Dear Spoof,

Re: Mr Danton. Why should he be allowed to eat Satsumas before christmas day? Is there a law or something?

Dear Spoof,

Last night, I was haunted by an ungodly spirit. It did put the willies up me, but not in a gay way.


Yours

Larry Lightfoot
The Flange
Balderdash

Dear Spoof:

That Satsuma must have been imported from China or Japan as opposed to our certified Louisiana tree ripened Satsumas grown in the Bayou.


Billy Bob Crawfish
Jambalaya, LA

Dear Spoof:

That Satsuma must have been imported from China or Japan as opposed to our certified Louisiana tree ripened Satsumas grown in the Bayou.


Billy Bob Crawfish
Jambalaya, LA

Dear Spoof

You think we don't know that Clive Danton is the reincarnation of Georges Jaques Danton, Frech revolutionary Minister of Public Safety and major instrument of the overthow of the French Monarchy? 'Clive' my arse! Call that camouflage?

PS. There was a twin but natural selection fished him out of the gene pool by providing him with a twin with an acute sense of sibling rivalry and who was a dab hand with a pillow. My cabriole legs, balls and claw are unique.

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Quote: Clive Danton

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Quote: Lynton

Dear Spoof

Whatever happened to Mr Pastry that half-baked comedian who was on telly when I was a kid? Did you know he nearly became Dr. Who after Jon Pertwee? He DID! Don't argue!

B Gainbasement
Walworth

---

Dear Spoof.

If Mr Lynton can remember antiquated comedians like Mr Pastry I'm wondering whether he's ever considered submitting his body for carbon dating or as an artefact on The Antique's Roadshow.

You never know he could be one of a pair!

Tim Stomach-Disorder
Preston
Germany

---

Dear Spoof

Whilst watching the news last night I was utterly dismayed to learn that the tragic bomb outrage that claimed so many innocent lives in Baghdad yesterday was a direct result of conflict between Sunni and Shia.
Surely it's now high time these two buried the hatchet and agreed to share the royalties from "I Got You Babe" equally.

Marvin Heterosexual
Plaistow

Dear Spoof

Satsumas! Satsumas??? Whatever happened to Tangerines? But I digress.

Shia never was the same after she made that record where that machine was used to make her yodel.Or was that Sunni burying the hatchett while she was singing?

Lotte Poorn
Putzprijkin
Netherlands

Dear Spoof

I wonder if you could convey to Mr Lynton that it wasnt a voice distortion/yodelling machine that Shia used in that extremely annoying recording.

In actual fact she had the diminutive Sunni sitting on her lap with her hand up his back operating him like a ventriloquist's dummy, while she drank a glass of water.

Absolutely kosher story that one. A geezer down the pub told me.

Dear spoof that geezer was a good fer nowt liar. He was burying the hatchett and then she kicked the box away. A nicer geezer than yours told me that in a wine bar.

Olly Gark

Moscow

Dear Spoof,

Why do your features editors, Mr Danton and Mr Lynton, continue to derise the name of one of pop music's most celebrated acts. Sunni and Hatchet made such memorable songs, like, "Knee up muter braun"...."That look of Lard"...
"New Yorkshire New Yorkshire eh up!".

When was the last time they had a hit song?
I bet they could not write one between them!

Yours Angrily

Andrew Lloyd bank
The Kennels
Little Muting
Hants

Dear Spoof

Please be kind enough to admonish my friend Armandhammer-Maternity-Denture- Fixative for making me spit the best part of a cup of splosh all over my screen with mirth.

Just like Mr Lynton's poorly educated penis...it's not big and it's not clever!

Vis a vis Mr Lynton's and myself's song writing partnership. Surely you must have heard of our smash 1937 hit "She Was Only A Coalminer's Daughter But After A Couple Of Lager Shandies Her Bedroom Became A Mine Of Information" ?

Baccarach.....Shmaccharach!


Finally a very merry Crimbo to you Arm old chap and to all the cunning wordsmiths that have made this thread such an insignificant and indescribably puerile piece of two bob dross.

God Help Us Everyone and as dear old Brucie would no doubt remark after a savage night on the Wincarnis Tonic Wine and a bottle of Philosan Light .........KEEEEEEEEP SPOOFIN!'

Merry Christmas Guys

Clive, me old mate, have a fantastic wonderful christmas.
Love Light and peace, to you and yours.

See you on the other side of the turkey.




Love as always


Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Spoof

I have just been into the kitchen to make a cup of tea after the two girls had been in there. We've only got the one cup, and you'd never guess what they'd left in it.

Yours

Siqas Aparott
Holly Wood
Ivyness

Dear Spoof

It's a quarter past midnight on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day morning.

And I'm not pissed yet.

Have I been possessed by demons, or taken over by an alien intelligence or something? Or is it just me age?

It isn't usually a problem. I don't understand it.

I mean, why me?

Confused as ever

Martin Shuttlecock

Hants.

Have a great holiday, be happy and content, enjoy yourselves, and be merry, all of you wonderful Spoofers!

0410hrs:
Had a cuppa, took me early medications, burnt me finger on the stove.
0430hrs:
On computer.
0500hrs:
Me left hearing aid battery packed up.
0505hrs:
Finished writing this. Saw blue light in street, police at house down the road - probably just another burglary.

Cheers

Inch

Dear Spoof

Whoooo whooooo whoooooop whoooo whoooo whooooop whooooo Shit it's only the fucking Soup Dragon!!! whoooooooooooooooo whoooooooooooooooooooop whoooooooooooooo whoooooooooooooo!!!!

Tiny Clanger
Moon