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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 1 Dec 11 20:41 - Edited By: Clive Danton, 2 Dec 11 06:13
I've just discovered that by filling my mouth with a number of magnets and then dipping my chin into a bowl of iron filings I can achieve that rugged, designer stubble look as sported by George Michael and other extremely butch, fiercely heterosexual celebrities.

I hope this helps

Tony Helicopter
Brentwood
Switzerland

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 2 Dec 11 03:23
If that's my fucking pork pie hat and you've somehow nicked it, there'll be trouble.

Just sayin'

Skoob.

RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 2 Dec 11 06:07 - Edited By: Clive Danton, 2 Dec 11 06:14

Quote: Skoob1999

If that's my fucking pork pie hat and you've somehow nicked it, there'll be trouble.

Just sayin'

Skoob.


Everything you see in that damnably attractive smudge is my exclusive property Scoob apart from my wooden lip which had to be grafted on following a tragic cunnilingus incident with 4 members of Girls Aloud which took place a couple of years back while the ginger one went down the offie to get the ales in.

FACT!

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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 2 Dec 11 06:12
Dear Spoof

I've managed to save a small fortune on expensive foreign holidays scuba diving in the Caribbean by simply filling my bath with warm water, throwing in a few colourful plastic fish and then diving in and clamping my mouth over the plug hole and breathing through the overflow pipe.

The Right Reverend Teddy Ashtray
Arsebishop Of Camdenbury
Church

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Lynton
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Lynton

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Posted: 8 Dec 11 16:50
Gather these together and publish them then skoob can accuse you of nicking his letters to the editor too. His hat's shite so's yours. With hats like that you should both be collecting fares on the dodgems.

Watching paint dry
Skoob1999
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Posted: 8 Dec 11 17:50
Huh!

I've got a fedora too, and a baseball cap that lights up, and an NYPD bob cap - your problem mate is that you have no taste.

A Bowler

Panama.

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Lynton
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Lynton

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Posted: 8 Dec 11 18:17
Bet you've a Scrooge nightcap too - but remember he made the mistake of cutting the end off that just like he did with his money-counting gloves - talk about paternity suits!

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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 9 Dec 11 06:37

Quote: Lynton

Gather these together and publish them then skoob can accuse you of nicking his letters to the editor too. His hat's shite so's yours. With hats like that you should both be collecting fares on the dodgems.


Dear Spoof

HATTIST!

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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 9 Dec 11 06:39
Dear Spoof

I wonder if Turkish people have roast england with all the trimmings on Christmas Day.

Gus Flange
22 Railway Approach
Antarctica


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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 10 Dec 11 13:34
Dear Spoof

I must admit I share Mr Flange's curiosity about the matter and furthermore often find myself wondering whether people that live in Brussels have London Sprouts with their festive meal.

Trevor Minge
Prison

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Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 10 Dec 11 16:24
Dear Spoof

Just to let you know that recently, whilst in my cups, I gave serious consideration to a breast augmentation op, and buttock implants. But I'd just look even fucking sillier than I already do, so I went for a nap instead.

Regards

Skoob.

RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 11 Dec 11 08:55
Dear Spoof

I was watching the snooker last night when the commentator announced "Ronnie O Sullivan's going to clear the table"

How refreshing that in this world of overpaid sporting prima donnas at least one of them has the common decency to help his mum.

Frank Vulva
22 Shit Street
Yorks

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Lynton
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Lynton

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Posted: 12 Dec 11 21:06
Dear Spoof

Could you please send Clive some face powder, only his shiney forehead risks blinding me. I can't keep going to the optician's each week.

Watching paint dry
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 13 Dec 11 06:48

Quote: Lynton

Dear Spoof

Could you please send Clive some face powder, only his shiney forehead risks blinding me. I can't keep going to the optician's each week.


Dear Spoof

Could you please request that Lynton desists from combing his hair in my avatar and stops basking in my reflected glory.

It's not only deeply hurtful but he keeps getting dandruff on my hat.

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 13 Dec 11 06:53
Dear Spoof

I came home last night to discover my wife tipping a saucepan full of scalding hot beef stew over her head. When I asked what on earth she was doing she replied "I'm just putting your dinner on dear.

How we laughed on our way to the Serious Burns Unit.

Alan Urethra
Notting Hill

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Lynton
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Lynton

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Posted: 13 Dec 11 20:36
Dear Spoof

I got home last night to find the wife sliding down the bannister. I asked her what she was doing and she said. 'Just warming up the dessert dear'

Stern domestic discipline has its rewards.

Arthur J. Muffe-Diver Maj(rtd)



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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 15 Dec 11 06:29
Dear Spoof

I went into the lavatory this morning to urinate and just as I pulled out my "old chap" the theme from 2001 A Space Odyssey came on the radio.

I have never felt so manly or potent in my entire life.

Kevin Colon-Disorder
Manchester

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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 16 Dec 11 06:19
Dear Spoof

Whenever I travel on public transport I find myself becoming excited by the bulges in handsome young men's trousers.

Do you think I could be gay?

N. Edmonds
Millwall Docks

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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 16 Dec 11 06:21
Dear Noel.

I'll say!

NEXT!

Deirdre Saunders
Problem Page
The Sun
Mogadishu

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Lynton
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Lynton

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Posted: 16 Dec 11 13:25
Dea Spoof

Why is it that people have to sit in the stands at a footy match or at the theatre?

Marjory Door
Hayling Taxi
Hants


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Lynton
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Lynton

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Posted: 17 Dec 11 14:17 - Edited By: Lynton, 17 Dec 11 14:17
Dear Spoof

In France they eat baguette. It's a stick of bread that only lasts one day before it dries hard as a rock. Just think if they had the soggy white stuff we call bread in the UK it would have been Louis Pasteur not Fleming who discovered Penicillin.

Still at least there's a bright side. French men (the wife-beating bastards) can give their old ladies a going over the next day with a loaf if they've wasted money buying too much bread the day before. The silly cows only do that once; no wonder they're better off than us.

Gay Parry
France

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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 17 Dec 11 14:38
Dear Spoof

I once heard soul legend Percy Sledge state that "When a man loves a woman, he can't keep his mind on nuthin' else"

Well I tend to disagree because whenever I make love to my wife I routinely think of the woman next door and her Labrador.

Paul Arthritis
West Drayton

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armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

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Posted: 17 Dec 11 19:54
Dear Spoof,

I have fettled my mungion, but the netherhaver keeps creeping back. Am I to assume the fossit is dry?
If so, could you advise me re, the Mungion.

Yours Amunting

Flange Bottlethrob.

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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 18 Dec 11 09:21
Dear Spoof

I'm sick to the back teeth with these so-called war veterans constantly harping on about their exploits during the two world wars.
My grandad served king and country during The Great War of 1914-18 and I've never once heard him mention it.

Mind you he was an inaugural member of the Royal Flying Corps and was shot down over the trenches in Ypres on his maiden sortie and killed instantly.

Phillip Bronchitis
Milton Keynes


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armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

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Posted: 19 Dec 11 00:16
Dear Spoof,

I think you were right to decline the use of the hall to those horrible Neo Nazi protagonists. In a world of freedom and sanity, why should scum like that have a voice.
Well done, for standing up for humanity.


Clem Arbunot
Grand Wizard
KKK Lodge 384
Waco
Texas

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