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If ths place died while I was away it ddn't go to heaven - only one person logged in apart from me and 264 readers.

Ta-Daaaah!

Only me!

Evening Lynton.

Pissing down round our way.

Manchester style.

Regards

Skoob.

Lynton, nice to see you back, how were the hols?

The hols were very good indeed JO except for the trepidation of having to look forward to the tube being taken out in a couple of weeks. How about that, it's over a bloody year since I had this tube in - you'd think I'd be glad to have it out but it will be with no anaesthetic.

Hi Lynton. Welcome back. I don't know what sort of tube you have to have taken out (I notice a shard of glass in the eye is mentioned in the heavy type below).

I had to have a tube inserted into the tear duct of my right eye three years ago, not from glass damage but another injury. Put in under local anaesthetic - taken out six months later with none. If you have the same sort of thing don't worry about it. Just feels like a quick pinch when it's pulled out. (My surgeon then decided to prod around the tear duct to check the healing. That hurt more than when he'd pulled the thing out.)

Whatever it is in your case just let 'em get on with it - they know what they're doing mate.

I've had several surgical drain tubes taken out. It didn't hurt at all, but the nurse said it was because I'm a woman and my pain threshold is higher. She'd had men fall down to their knees and cry. But, really, it wasn't bad and it's over in a second.

Glad everything is alright!
Ellie

I had a tube removed after four days after my discectomy and I thought the fucking thing was coming all the way from my foot.

I was nearly physically sick then, and later that night when all was quite on the ward and I was led there thinking about it.

I feel sick now.............

This one is in the left Ureter leading from the kidney to the bladder. Kidney stones hurt like hell but there are times I would have been glad if they'd have put them back in! Apparently not only does it make you jump when they insert the scope, it makes you jump higher when they take the tube out and they usually omit to say that the reaction of the ureter going into spasm due to swelling some minutes later means a further jump of escape velocity. I'll probably write about the experience after I land.

Having had much experience with Doctors and Hospitals down the years I devised Lynton's rules of internal medicine (British at least).These are being added to as time passes and hopefully will allow you to resign yourself to your fate more calmly.

1. If at all possible be ill in your own language - it is proven that the likelihood of being treated by a Doctor who speaks any English has diminished in inverse proportion with time and this seems likely to continue for the foreseeable future (which of course seems likely to be rather shorter to the patient - and should be good enough incentive to today's youth to learn as many foreign languages as possible)

2.Things coming out of the body where things normally go in and things going into the body where they normally come out means trouble.

3. The severity of your problem is directly proportional to the quantity of whatever it is coming out or going in per unit time.

4.These conditions usually lead to more abnormal penetrations and aspirations being made by Doctors in order to rectify the original disorder and which are generally much more painful than the problem itself.

5. The side effects of all medications are more dangerous than the orginal problem

6. In all cases you will either feel like shit, it will hurt like hell or, more usually, both - as well as eventually irreversible damage or loss of one or more important faculties even if you do pull through.

6a. That is, if your Doctor came out somewhere near the top of his class; if he graduated low down the class it will hurt twice as bad and last twice as long unless he gets lucky or you die first.

7. All Doctors are scared shitless by illness - that's why they become Doctors. Either that, or they are very strange people who have no aversion to indiscriminate, daily routine, internal palpation of the orifices of the most ugly, wrinkled and disgusting specimens of humanity. Furthermore they see no reason to dwell any longer in the act with even the most superb specimen of their preferred sex.(Medical ethics was invented to cover up this obvious perversion)

7a Whatever time they take doing this you will usually consider far too long.

7b In the first case they may think whatever you have is worse than it is - so take heart every cloud etc.

7c In the second, no silver lining, just hope they know what KYJelly is.

7d Expect just one short visit from juniors and interns they will then go away and look up your symptoms on Medline.

8. Nurses are far too busy with paperwork and Facebook to deal with trivia such as bedpans, vomit bowls or nourishment even though they know that continence of any kind or constipation is not an option for you, and that you are wasting away daily. The less time spent with patients the less probability of spreading infection between them - it's for your own good.

9. Never fraternise with Ward cleaners, any attempt to show compassion on their part such as by bringing glasses of water or putting food (if very fortunate) within reach will lead to their immediate dismissal. You wouldn't want that on your conscience woud you?

9a Most of them have 12 kids to feed and earn the minimum wage so do not begrudge them your lunch.(nor your i-Phone if you were silly enough to ignore the advice about bringing personal valuables)


and finally

10. Everything will be done to make your stay in hospital as pleasant as possible, complaining can sap the morale of fellow patients and delay their recovery. Security staff will eject patients who endanger the lives of others in this way. Furthermore complaints and questions are considered to be agressive criminal behaviour and will be treated seriously by the Police. If your life is in danger you will never be ejected but staff reserve the right to prescribe you strong sedatives for their safety and that of yourself and others.

10a. It is good medical practice to awaken sleeping patients at 3am to administer sleep-inducing drugs.

10b. Perhaps it is wiser to try the French health system because people say it is much better - In your dreams.


Strange how a mag article can be catalysed by a comment

I'll polish it and publish after the 14th.

Best of luck to you Lynton. Remember, it only hurts for a little while. Scream like hell if you have to. It really helps.

sorry to hear about your health situation Lynton, I didn't know.

Hopefully you're on the mend and things are looking brighter.

And to anybody else who's not well here, keep on fighting.

Just had a bout of heavy dizziness and feeling sick, ear infection or something, terrible feeling of losing it.

Nothing compared to Lynton of course.

But health is the only thing that matters and the millions that Mark pays us here become worthless if one is not healthy (just joking BTW)

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Quote: Jaggedone

sorry to hear about your health situation Lynton, I didn't know.

Hopefully you're on the mend and things are looking brighter.

And to anybody else who's not well here, keep on fighting.

Just had a bout of heavy dizziness and feeling sick, ear infection or something, terrible feeling of losing it.

Nothing compared to Lynton of course.

But health is the only thing that matters and the millions that Mark pays us here become worthless if one is not healthy (just joking BTW)

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JO if they weren't brought on by what I wrote - the symptoms sound like either acute Labyrynthitis (infection of the inner ear) or the onset of a more chronic condition called Meniere's Disease - get it checked. (If it is either then be careful when driving to the doctor but get it checked out- better still get driven there.)

Being ill has at least had its good side and that is that I haven't developed into a fat middle-aged slob but a rather svelte slob with the physique of a (somewhat skinny) racing snake. In England sometimes I even get looked at in the street by women - but only because they are used to seeing shaven-headed, or bald paunchy blokes. They then conclude the sight to be so strange that I must be suffering some awful disease and they cross the road sharpish.

I see it is six minutes past - best be off to buy a little hand for me watch.

thanks for the tip Lynton, I'll Google it.

When I return to the UK I feel like a leper.

Ouch! My drain tubes were in my neck. Can't imagine a tube like the one you're describing.

Sorry to hear!

Did like your advice about dotors.