Discussion Forum

Well, we could all use a little extra cash at Yuletide.

Here's my offering.

FOR SALE

One left leg. Good runner. £125 o.n.o.

3 Legged snooker table (balls swing to left) £15.99

1 vicar - full service history. £19.98

1 corpse (boxed) £23.14

FOR SALE:

Antique medical books (Big Booke of Leeches, The 4 Humors, Ye Olde Book of Bloodletting, ect. 19.95 each)

4 ton metal thing (I have no idea what it does, but it's blocking my garage. Please take it. Free)

Wind powered laptop (299.99)

Pile of fake rubber dog poo (19.99)

My tears collected in a Mason jar (4.99- jar not included)

Solar powered night vision goggles (99.99)

Murziabic* Diplomatic immunity (49.99)

Secrets (.99 and up)





*Not a real country

I like this one... sort of like a US version of Craig's List but for the criminally insane.


Location: Somewhere in Cheese Country

(1) Slightly cracked DAB Octoberfest glass. Still gives good head. $15

(1) Box weapons grade C4 left over from our independence day celebration. Digs nice holes to plant trees. $79

(2) Empty cashew cannisters. You can still smell your nuts but not gain weight. $.50 each.

(1) Vintage Royal Aristocrat Manual Typewriter. Spoof the old way and feel eclectic at the same time. $140

(1) Used condom from 1978. I can still smell those first precious memories. $3

FOR SALE

1each... Original Iron Lung 1954 vintage-'The Polio Years'
6each... TV series 'Kojak' in beta-max format tape
1each... The Monkees lunch box
100yds... Blue and Silver Spandex material
1each... Very dumb box turtle with a painting of Mona Lisa on its shell-Name unknown.
1each... Unused lottery ticket for 'Win A Date With Jesus Budda.'

No offer refused!

FOR SALE

1/2 a hole - unfinished DIY project - offers

Left Handed Screwdriver - £2.94

Tsunami damaged VHS videotapes (14,000approx) £1 (Buyer collects)

Mona Lisa (La Giaconda) - Price TBA depending on how much it costs us to get a team together.

Warped Door - Fits no known doorframe but will keep your friends amused for hours - Buyer collects and must drive a small car so it annoys passenger in transit.

Woman - Unwanted gift. Offers.

For sale: 2 wall plaques, 1 trophy, and one ring (with diamond) acknowledging my naming as manager of the year twice by my last employer (make offer).

250 empty cool whip and Shedd's spread bowls w/lids. My wife keeps saving them them for "some day when we need them."

FOR SALE:

Half of a 78 RPM recording of Bing Crosby singing White Christmas
Candy cane shaped lava lamp
Red and green leisure suit with matching scarf
Slightly used Yule log
Betamax VCR, in excellent condition
Eight track tape deck, in good condition

FOR SALE:

1 pack of Polos (mint condition), £2.98

1 lady, complete with box, 38 p

Entire Great Britain athletics team (note: quality seconds), £666

My wife - v. fast runner but needs constant attention, would particularly suit enthusiast. Free to good home.



---

DATING

32yo AC/DC m, electrician, sparky w/ gsoh (friends say I'm real live wire) seeks well-grounded m or f. No swimmers.

23yo m cloakroom attendant seeks attractive f, caring & particularly accustom to dealing with hangups.

93yo f seeks sugardaddy. Looks not important.

39yo Psychic and spiritual healer (f) will be having a date with you next week, 7:30pm, Andersons (your favourite restaurant).

28yo f geologist, will you (m) be the rock in my life?

Divorced comedian's wife (f, 32yo) wltm m with NSOH. And big cock.

For Sale: My house. 12 rooms, all outside. no unreasonable offer rejected. Please note the staircase to the second floor has no steps. I don't know what's up there.

£300 ono, secret to eternal life, unwanted inheritance gift.

Pure bred cat, might be dead. Any offer accepted. Please contact Ernst Schrödinger.

Iain

I think I might start sticking classifieds in the Snippets section...

My favourite bit of the Framley Examiner is the classified section.

Some examples:
Moulinex OrangeBigger (TM). Makes oranges bigger. Satsumas 4ft, Seville 8ft. Plus CheeseGreater(TM). £20.

Half hour delay. Would suit a busy person wishing to be late. £90 or £180 for a full hour.

Best Glow log effect 2kW scissors. Too hot to hold, honestly. £7.

1974 Slow Cooker. Far too slow. Still waiting for a boiled egg. £12 or whatever.

Industrial Laminator, will laminate anything. I've just done my face. Can I do yours? Or your hair? Or your house? Call me now.

Inflatable breadboard. Used once, very disappointing, hence £2.

I could go on...

Iain

Reminds me of my days in student media.

Constantly fighting a newsroom battle between dour "serious news" types who actually believed students were interesting in reading about the Union election hustings or scandal in the sociology department.

Announcements:

"To my beloved wife, YOU ARE MY SOLE MATE:- no, seriously. I only have one friend and that's you"

My own feelings about serious journalism is that research and fact-checking takes far too much time.

Announcements:

"To the handsome guy I woke up next to this morning, thanks for stopping in the street to revive me. I feel loads better"

Fake vox pops we did on student radio:

"Q. How would you react if the government's plans to relax gun control were passed today?"

" - I'd be up in arms"

"Q. The council is about to alleviate graveyard shortages by allowing burials on top of existing graves, does this worry you?"

" - Over my dead body!"

APPEAL!!

Anyone on twitter help me out by posting your fake classified ads using #fakeclassifieds hashtag.

That's:

#fakeclassifieds

We could start a new trend!!

For sale: 1 copy Health Care Bill, good bathroom reading material. First 248 pages missing due to case of flu. Make offer.

Help wanted: Voluptuous blonde (female prefered), to help produce porn flick. Make author.

For Sale: 20 Large Santa-Sized Diaper Packs for those leaking little ones. $8 per 24 pack. Purchase soon as malls are now taking applications.

Good idea getting these on the snippets!


-Bureau

FOR SALE

Cup of tea. 2 sugars. Co-op brand. Unwanted gift from repentant wife. Hitting the alcohol instead. Tea still hot. Act fast! £0.99

Vibro-massager - useless gift. Doesn't touch the sides. £0.24

Blind Venetian - requires food, water and white stick. Tends to bump into furniture and mutter in Italian, hence £0.11

Electric Blanket Alarm Clock - wakes you up in the morning with a mild 1,000 volt electric shock. Somewhat frazzled, hence £0.09

Hubble Telescope - see stars without getting lamped on the head with a cast iron skillet by the lady in your life. $16bn

I really did once have to sell a commode.

My mother asked me to get rid of some stuff after her mother died.

And here was me thinking:- who would buy a chair and pot that someone's spent the dying years of their life expunging the last of their bodily excreta into?

Well it sold. And it wasn't cheap.

I guess when you're down to a 20-second warning you stop caring about the quality, cleanliness or pedigree of the porcelain.

FOR SALE

Commode sterilisation kit. Guaranteed effective 100%

Contains sulphuric acid and napalm.

£1.23

On a sign outside the pub down the road:

Two coarse dinner, £10.99, includes free drink

So I went into the pub to explain the spelling mistake to the landlord.

Upon hearing my advice the landlord simply offered me the menu:

~ Starters ~

Crudities

Nibbles of tender breast chicken

Stuffed Chorizo

Porno Cocktail


~ Main Course ~

Roast legover of Lamb with Rosemary, a lick of honey and plenty of time

Jimbo, you gotta get that on the jokes page...it's REALLY funny.

Iain

MY fave framlinton went something like

Maddy you are always in our hearts
If only we could remember where we left you

Some suggestions samll ads/personals:

Muck spreader, clean condition

Girl Twins (one crack)

Pekin man, needs keyhole

New Prison, Mod Cons

Superfluous Hair? Contact Susan Boyle for all your needs

Constipation? Tough shit

Nasal Congestion? Contact the bogey men, a new service from Dyno Rod

Pelvic floor, slightly weak, needs polishing from time to time

Roadsign, "Slow children crossing" suit special needs school

Wicked EvilPoliceman seeks Old Nick


Bugger! it's going to be another sleepless night, once th brain gets spinning it wont stop
L

Laptoop kybrd, neeeeeeds gooddddd cleeeeeeeannnnn

One White House, bids open until 2012. Starting bid at ten trillion dollars.

One dead rotten pelican I picked up on the beach, thinking it was seaweed hanging from a clam's mouth.

Trade: My collection of over 5,000 different beer bottles to move up the list on receiving donated liver.

Genuine Smokey The Bear's autographed Port-O-Potty discovered in the woods of the Daniel Boone National Forest.

-Bureau

FOR SALE

Hyperactive child. Needs attention. £3.99

1 Tin Tuxan Red + 1 tin Cherry Blossom black shoe polish, circa 1976. A bit dried up. £0.07

1 Chicken shish kebab with salad, pickled chillies and red hot chilli sauce, in container, untouched, just been sick, can't face it. £4.50 Hurry while it's still hot. Buyer collects.

Raleigh Chopper - mustard yellow. Not really a Chopper but it is a bike with different sized wheels. I think...
Offers...

Old Lady. Incomplete rennovation project. Comes with cement, scaffolding, and cans of spray paint. £9.99 ono

LONG TERM INVESTMENT:

Six (6) Amanda Knox Stories returned to writer during her trial going on three (3) years.

Worth thousands of points as soon as she is convicted sometime prior to 2012.

Seller is getting older, can't wait that long to capitalize....will sell below cost, and take the writeoff this year.