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I work in the bakery of a gourmet grocery store. I enjoy my job most of the time. I also get asked a lot of questions.

While most of what I'm asked aren't necessarily intelligent questions, I can understand why someone would need to ask it.

This is not the case for the following questions:

"Where is the tepid water aisle?"

"Do you have dry white wine?" A man asked me this yesterday. When I pointed out that we had 2 full racks of dry white wine, he looked at me like I was the village idiot. "Those are liquid!" He shouted.

"Where is this domestic cheese from?"

"Do I need to refrigerate this raw chicken?"

A woman brought back a package of Bake-at-Home cookies and she was livid. "These cookies are raw! I can't serve these!" The package had a big red sticker on the front of the package that said: THESE COOKIES ARE RAW! BAKE AT 350 FOR 10-12 MINUTES. DO NOT EAT RAW!

"How much is your goose liver pate?" A woman asked me this while I was in the middle of making canoli

The people who shop at my store are wealthy, supposedly well educated people. They are heart surgeons, litigators, and owners of Fortune 500 companies. They live in multi-million dollar homes and drive cars that cost more than I will ever make in my lifetime.

Does anyone else on here have to deal with this sort of mind boggling stupidity on a daily basis?

I'm a software developer.

I told my dentist's receptionist my occupation (she asked), at which point, she wanted to know if I could fix a problem they were having with the automated letter system in their software. I said no.

I've been asked where the 'any' key was when they saw a message that read: " Press any key to continue."

We have been asked to fix Microsoft Word, because it was on the same computer as our software. Which is like asking a washing machine repairman to repair your gas oven, because it's in the same kitchen.

Generally people believe developers to be psychic as well. We're never told everything in one go, it's a bit like a murder mystery sometimes. Customers think we already know, and cannot be bothered going into all the detail, such as which bit of the product the problem is in.

For some reason people equate software with hardware, and so believe I can fix broken computers. Sometimes without even being in the same country as the computer. These days I tell them it's damaged beyond repair and they need a new one regardless of what they tell me.

I've also yet to meet a customer with a sense of humour. There was a person search screen in one application to help them find their customers. One of the fields was called SEX? and it took M for Male and F for female (restrictive I know, but they were paying). It would not proceed without M, F or nothing in the field, anything else gave an error, and blanked it. So I added a bit to the error check that changed the message if they typed 'Y' to "Your place or mine?" instead of "Invalid code".

They were not impressed.

My question is, what we're they expecting when they keyed 'Y'?

Iain

One half of a conversation I overheard when I sat near our support staff (who are far more patient than I am):

"First, you'll need to close the application."
"Click the picture in the top corner."
"Move the mouse over the picture and double click."
"It's a piece of plastic on the end of a wire next to your keyboard. It's got two buttons on the top."
"The flat thing with all the letters on."
"Right, you've found it. When you move it an arrow will move on the screen."
"Good. Make the arrow go over the picture in the top corner."
"Excellent. Now click the left button twice."
"You have to do it faster than that."
"I'll tell you what, press the key with ALT on it, and the one with F4 on it."
"No, that's on the keyboard."
"Yes, the letters thing."
"It should be beside the space bar."
"The long thin one."
"A L T."
"No, it's just one key."
"Good. press that and F4 together."
"At the top of the keyboard, between F3 and F5."
"No, keep ALT pressed while you press F4. You may need to put the phone down to do it."
"Hello? Stupid bastard."

And one customer, when asked to send us a copy of their disk, sent a photocopy of the floppy.

Iain

I had a job in a supermarket a few years ago. I remember once this kid (about 14) came up to me and asked me where the garlic was, and he couldn't find the right looking 'ackage'.

So I went with him to the herbs and spices bit and found crushed garlic and garlic salt. He said, looking at me like I'm an idiot, "no, that's not right, it comes in a sort of white package, like a papery sort of thing."

"Do you mean fresh garlic?" I asked.

"Hmmmrumphhnnno," came his reply, "my mum sent me here to get some garlic."

So I took him to the produce section and found him a bulb of garlic.

"Hello sir. May I see your drivers license and registration?"

Now there is a stupid question.

We don't have those with our flying saucers!

But seriously, ya gonna tell a cop, "No"?

He got da gun.

O yeah, the frequency is 400,000.

When I used to work in Health.


I once referred a fuck wit to her G.P. She did not know what a G.P was so I told her it stands for General Practitioner. She says I don't want someone who is practising to be a doctor I want a real one. She then began crying as she thought I was referring her to see a student.




I also told a lady she possibly should take up some exercise, such as light jogging. She told me that she didn't want her heart swinging too hard in her chest. I said how was that possible. She actually said "Your heart is on a piece of tissue and swings like a pendulum in you chest".
She would not believe her heart wasn't a pendulum even after I showed her a anatomical model. She was adamant she was right.


I advised someone to give up drinking or it would affect his liver. He turned round to me and said "Well if one packs up can't I use the other one". I explained he had only one liver and two kidneys. He then said " Well can't I just use my two kidneys instead of my liver".



Body part names are great I once had a very rich middle class wanker who condescendingly told me that he was in great shape and would not cease to give up drinking. He added I go home and exercise my plectrums. He meant pectorals of course. But he mentioned the word about 20 times in the conversation, thinking he was Einstein for knowing basic anatomy. I eventually told him the word was pectorals and he said " I think you'll find I am right, I was in the army".


I also had a female equivalent of the said man, who referred to her paella constantly when she meant patella. I just let her carry on.



I also had a friend who refused to talk to me for two months, because I told him he was a wanker. He decided he had come up with a cure for Aids, while drinking a can of larger. He said " I am a genius , I can't believe no-one has thought about this. I can't believe I have solved the problem". He went on and on about his cure for Aids. But refused to tell anyone. After three hours I said " I bet you cure for Aids is giving the person dialysis or a blood transfusion. His face literally crumpled and he stormed off. He wouldn't speak to any of the group for two months and to this day, NO-ONE can mention the incident.


Someone told me her son had eczema and asthma, but liked milk. I said why don't you try him on Soya milk. She said what kind of animal is a SOYA. I said it was a vegetable (bean). She became really angry and said "Vegetables don't produce milk only fucking animals, how fucking stupid do you think I am". She tipped over her chair and stormed off ranting, raving and crying.


I asked a woman if she had a normal pregnancy. She said "yes". To confirm this I said " So how long was your pregnancy". She said "Nineteen inches".



The thing about stupid people, they don't realise they are stupid and can incredibly angry if you challenge their ignorance. But they simply choose not to learn.



I found the rich and so called educated were equally as stupid as the poor and uneducated. The difference is that the rich ones always want to write complaints for their stupidity.


They don't realise money and status won't make a stupid question right. I will not agree that a patella is a paella because you are a rich bitch. I choose to use the word kneecap to make it simple. Urrgggh I hope the people of which I speak are no more.

Here's one I posted over two years ago on this very subject. It is in the magazine section, so it never gets read:

Dumb Questions

Here's the sequel to that one:
More Dumb Questions

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Quote: Phil Edgar's Bones

He decided he had come up with a cure for Aids, while drinking a can of larger.

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Sorry to ask a stupid question but, what's a can of larger?

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Quote: Phil Edgar's Bones

The thing about stupid people, they don't realise they are stupid and can incredibly angry if you challenge their ignorance. But they simply choose not to learn.

---

How appropriate.

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Quote: Phil Edgar's Bones
I found the rich and so called educated were equally as stupid as the poor and uneducated. The difference is that the rich ones always want to write complaints for their stupidity.
...........
They don't realise money and status won't make a stupid question right.

---

So, no chip on any proverbial shoulder there!

************************************************************


I've met my fair share of stupid villans, tossers and downright thugs while working as a barrister and represented them regardless of their defects of character, because that's what advocacy is all about.

Ditto stupid overblown know-all barristers who assumed a woman judge couldn't spot a well-tried MCP ruse..... such as the QC wanker who wanted to bring in two separate Legal Aid-funded expert witnesses to explain the offside rule in football because "I'm assuming, M'Lady, football is not something many women know much about!"

I pointed out that the jury hearing the case was all male and that I was quite happy with one Legal Aid-funded FA expert to read the definition from the FA rulebook.

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Quote: Monkey Woods

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Quote: Phil Edgar's Bones

He decided he had come up with a cure for Aids, while drinking a can of larger.

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Sorry to ask a stupid question but, what's a can of larger?

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Quote: Phil Edgar's Bones

The thing about stupid people, they don't realise they are stupid and can incredibly angry if you challenge their ignorance. But they simply choose not to learn.

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How appropriate.

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Only for you Monkey Woods, only for you. I bet you are the fella with the plectrums .



You remind me of a guy who I taught that failed a City Guilds Level 2 Journalism Paper. The easiest qualification ever. I had students who couldn't speak coherent English scrape through with a pass. He wanted his paper remarked because they had written 'Sataurday' on the exam script instead of 'Saturday'. He said this had impeded his ability to understand the paper. He complained and complained to the college.


He didn't understand that a typing error doesn't equate to a low IQ or poor academic prowess. The college paid £250 to have it remarked and he still failed.


He re-sat the exam twice and never passed. In the end he said " City and Guilds had something against him, because he was political".

Hi all,

I used to be trade union rep, and one time I had a really irate member come to me complaining that a fork lift truck had crashed into his car.
I went through the motions, but when the manager asked the aggrieved party:
"Were you travelling at over 5mph?"
"Were you wearing a seat belt?"
"Have you been drinking?"
That was game over.
There's dumb and there's dumb, but this guy was off the scale.

I once crashed my car into 3 parked vehicles, drove the wrong way up a one street, mounted the curb and then threw up at 3am.

The first copper who arrived on the scene asked me the most stupidest question ever....."Have you been drinking?"

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Quote: queen mudder

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Quote: Phil Edgar's Bones
I found the rich and so called educated were equally as stupid as the poor and uneducated. The difference is that the rich ones always want to write complaints for their stupidity.
...........
They don't realise money and status won't make a stupid question right.

---

So, no chip on any proverbial shoulder there!

************************************************************


Absolutely not Queen Mudder. I don't expect the general public to understand anatomy or medical terminology. So I don't use jargon, we keep it simple. If people come to you for advice, I also do expect them to listen as I do to them. I don't expect them to re-write science and medicine. Why come to me if they know it all? My reply to Mrs and Mrs Know-it-all is really simple. Put your findings in a journal, start with the BMJ and make yourself lots of money with your discovery.


If someone is just unaware, but wants to learn that's different.



I have a friend who is a GP and the amount of people who turn up demanding certain drugs, because they have seen programs on TV or they have a cutting from a magazine is phenomenal. It is virtually impossible to treat certain people especially the ones, who have a little bit of knowledge. If something's been on the TV or a magazine, it has far more weight than her eight years of training.


She had a stand up row with a patient who told her she was incompetent, because Lulu had said something different on GMTV.



When Dr Gillian Mckeith who had no medical or science qualifications was really popular. It was virtually impossible to tell the public anything. She made up her own science and people believed her. 99 % of what she said was rubbish, but some people used to demand you followed her treatments. They wouldn't ask you, they would demand. She instigated so much misdirection, you simply couldn't tell any patient or client anything that conflicted with her.

She even invented her own biochemistry and physiology. Patients used to wander in with her books and magazine articles and it was complete nonsense.


I hate Gillian possibly more than Russell Brand. The irony about Mckeith was that her P.H.D was brought on-line for $5000 , which meant anyone of her followers could have achieved it. A bloke from the guardian registered his cat, paid the money and the cat got a P.H.D.


I once met Gillian McKeith's friend and asked her why she lied about her qualifications and invented all that pseudo-medicine. She said ' She was given the program first and then she was told by the sponsors, she had to be a doctor. She went on-line and got a P.H.D and that was it'. I sincerely hope that one day 2 million people turn up outside her door with ailments, diseases and complaints. I've got a list of about fifty people I intend to send.



Apart from that people are simply wonderful and do not irritate me at all.

When I was a student I worked in a shoe shop and saw the most ludicrous scam



A couple walked in and the guy tried on some shoes and then they left.


The woman came back in five minutes later and said "Oh my husband forgot his trainers".


The supervisor said " So your husband walked out of here with bare feet did he?"


The woman went bright red, left the shop and then she came back with the shoes that her husband had forgot to pay for.

"He forgot he had them on" she said sheepishly


In turned out the trainers were worth more than the shoes he tried to steal.


The shoes were worth about £40 and the trainers around £200

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Quote: Jalapenoman

Here's one I posted over two years ago on this very subject. It is in the magazine section, so it never gets read:

Dumb Questions

Here's the sequel to that one:
More Dumb Questions

---

Thanks for this J-Man. I like the "Can I have an Egg McMuffin?"

When I was sixteen, I worked in a shop on saturdays, with a group of really talkative older women, who used to love talking about sex, everytime there was a lull in trade.


They were having this really steamy conversation when this customer butted in holding a pair of shoes and said to one of the assistants. "These are really nice what would you like your husband to give you for Christmas". Without thinking and still in the sex conversation mode she said " A set of love balls".


She realised her error and turned the deepest shade of crimson I have ever seen. The customer looked puzzled and went back to browsing. She put the shoes down and hurried out of the shop.


I was only a youngster and didn't know what loveballs were. But I knew they were something sexual and I couldn't stop laughing for a week.

What are love balls? Are they like anal beads?

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Quote: Mark Lowton

What are love balls? Are they like anal beads?

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I am not sure what anal beads are. I think they come on a string. Love balls remind me of clackers which were a kids toy in the seventies.


Love balls

I've got a friend with something that looks like those hanging from his rear-view mirror. Now I'm scared.

This is really disturbing Mini Rabbit



Could anybody really use this. Really truly. The football love balls are bad enough.

clackers



Here's a set of hard plastic toy clackers from the seventies. They were banned when I was old enough to own a set.



They do remind me of loveballs.

One of the most frequently asked questions at Disneyland is,

"When does the two-o'clock parade start?"

Staff are trained not to give a smart-aleck answer and ask

"Where will you be when the parade starts?", so they can provide directions and be helpful.

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Quote: Duncan Whitehead

I once crashed my car into 3 parked vehicles, drove the wrong way up a one street, mounted the curb and then threw up at 3am.

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Duncan

I didn't think even you would mount a curb.

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Quote: victor nicholas

One of the most frequently asked questions at Disneyland is,

"When does the two-o'clock parade start?"

Staff are trained not to give a smart-aleck answer and ask

"Where will you be when the parade starts?", so they can provide directions and be helpful.

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Saw a program last night where George Bush talked about the bicentenary of American Independence in front of Queen Elizabeth he said " it started in 17 something and ended in 1996". Then he laughed and winked at the Queen.


That man was a national treasure. People can only follow their leaders.

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Quote: Mark Lowton

What are love balls? Are they like anal beads?

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Nope, they are actually more like truck testicles (which is a new craze sweeping parts of this country).