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Forum Home / General Discussion / What's the best way to get rid of cats?


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NickFun
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NickFun

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Posted: 4 Jul 08 01:34

Quote: carina-eta
Im going to bed.


I wish I'd known. I would have joined you Carina.

Signature lines are for psychos.
Fergus McCarthy
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Fergus McCarthy

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Posted: 4 Jul 08 01:47
f**k the fish!!!

Have you ever heard a fish scream?


No.

Thats why we eat them so much.

There's no guilt with fish and chips.
No audio.



Kebabs are a different matter, kebabs are lambs meat.

Kebabs scream as you bite into them, I hear the cucumber sobbing and the onions saying a decade of the rosary.


Kebabs have feelings too Carina.

Sardines are cold and unemotional.


Next time you are on the piss and visit the local Mediterranean chipper, ask for a bag of chips and a portion of Sardinians.

The Italians love that one.



Let me know how you got on.

Fergus.

Thats everyone, not just Carina.





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Monkey Woods
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Monkey Woods

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Posted: 4 Jul 08 09:22 - Edited By: Monkey Woods, 4 Jul 08 09:23
I just did that this morning, Fergus, exactly like you said.

The guy just looked at me blankly, then, as the realization hit him, he shouted at me:

"Whaddayou fruitin' crazy?! Fruit off an' go eat some fruitin' fish anada fruitin' chipsa, y'fruitin' cake!"

Funny that, he didn't add another 'a' onto the final cake.

Poor advice that, Fergus. He just didn't get it. Perhaps he doesn't read the Spoof.

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Mister Big
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Posted: 6 Jul 08 09:32
Microwave. Full Power. 10 minutes.

TJL
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Posted: 6 Jul 08 20:36
Woodchipper.

I'd lay down some plastic sheets first.

carina-eta
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carina-eta

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Posted: 6 Jul 08 22:19
Curiosity-it kills more cats that mixamatosis kills rabbits.

Someone tried to make my life not worth living and NOW they're trying to kill me!
Fergus McCarthy
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Fergus McCarthy

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Posted: 6 Jul 08 22:43
Flufty, Mufty, Tufty and the little bastard that bit me, are all at the patio door begging for food and looking all cute and helpless as I type.

The proud but now reluctant single mother named only as 'Cat Balou' is desperately trying to get me to feed them.

I've never seen such a shameless display of begging in all my life.


What 'Cat Balou' doesn't know is that I know she has already been 'primed' with the next batch of Kittens by the stripey mangey looking flea bitten s**t of a Tom cat that seems to appear every feline menstrual cycle.


The woodchipper is looking good.


Fergus


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carina-eta
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carina-eta

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Posted: 7 Jul 08 08:58
And by the time she's reared the next lot, Flufty, Mufty and Tufty will be looking at mummy with fresh eyes and the next batch will be getting confused as to whether to call her mummy or auntie.

You need to act fast, Fergus, no more procrastinating. I told you not to name them.

Extra claws and heart defects.

Someone tried to make my life not worth living and NOW they're trying to kill me!
Fergus McCarthy
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Fergus McCarthy

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Posted: 8 Jul 08 00:03
I think I have the solution,
I watched Jurassic Park last night.

I've recreated the scene with the goat and the T Rex.

I have Mufty tied to the leg of the swing set.


Just have to wait for the foxes now.


Ferg

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Fergus McCarthy
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Fergus McCarthy

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Posted: 8 Jul 08 00:30
Nothing yet.

I thought I saw something earlier but it was just the Cat trying to take it back to the shed.



Nearly f**kin strangled it!

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carina-eta
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carina-eta

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Posted: 8 Jul 08 11:28
Fergus!!

You know how this ends.

The foxes ignore the kitten, you go out to check it and bang you're surrounded by hungry ginger pointy faces and sharp teeth.

They are waiting for a bigger meal.

For gods sake, dont send one of the kids out to check on the kitten. You'll be coaxing him off an electric fence before you know it.

Someone tried to make my life not worth living and NOW they're trying to kill me!
carina-eta
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carina-eta

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Posted: 8 Jul 08 11:29
Fergus? Fergus......

Oh my god....

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BuckwheatsButt
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Posted: 8 Jul 08 12:12

Quote: carina-eta

Fergus? Fergus......

Oh my god....


Fergus by golly, you've done it! You've gotten our dear Carina to scream out your name during a bout of extreme pleasure...You old fox you!

Tell us Carina, was it good for you?

BUCK

carina-eta
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carina-eta

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Posted: 8 Jul 08 17:30
Buck? Buck...

oh my god, Buck, oh god., oh god...(gasps for breath)




I've never laughed so much in my life!!!!!!!!

That's tiny!

Someone tried to make my life not worth living and NOW they're trying to kill me!
BuckwheatsButt
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Posted: 8 Jul 08 18:59
mean spirited wench!

Jesus Budda
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Jesus Budda

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Posted: 8 Jul 08 19:02
At least you have a penis.
Think of all the people out there who don't.
Imagine how they must feel.
It must be very difficult for them reading the s**t on this website. I feel for them.


JB

A lot of people never show any initiative because no-one told them to
BuckwheatsButt
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Posted: 8 Jul 08 19:19
who said it was a penis????

carina-eta
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carina-eta

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Posted: 8 Jul 08 20:43 - Edited By: carina-eta, 8 Jul 08 20:43
I never even mentioned penises

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Fergus McCarthy
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Fergus McCarthy

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Posted: 9 Jul 08 00:21
Time for a new kitten.

Fergus

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Fergus McCarthy
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Fergus McCarthy

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Posted: 9 Jul 08 00:31 - Edited By: Fergus McCarthy, 9 Jul 08 00:33
Dragons Buck.

Dragons.


Thats the key,

and feeding her a good one
















liner.



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NickFun
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Posted: 9 Jul 08 04:08
I might also suggest tainted mice.

Signature lines are for psychos.
carina-eta
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carina-eta

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Posted: 9 Jul 08 08:08
Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
I've lost my lights
I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted mouse you've given
I give you all a cat could give you
Take my kittens and that's not nearly all
Tainted mice
Tainted mice

Oh, isn't this the karaoke thread?



Someone tried to make my life not worth living and NOW they're trying to kill me!
Duncan Whitehead
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Posted: 19 Jul 08 14:41
Ferg, are these Cats dead yet? Or are they still suffering?



Fergus McCarthy
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Posted: 19 Jul 08 17:55

Quote: Duncan Whitehead

Ferg, are these Cats dead yet? Or are they still suffering?




I got rid of one of them in the van.
He must have climbed into the van's engine for the heat, Terrible mess, blood, fur, limbs and vital organs.


I had to get it steam washed.


I've started hanging meat on the fan belt.





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victor nicholas
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victor nicholas

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Posted: 19 Jul 08 18:32
My room mate in University used to use a cork gun to get them off the furniture.

Doesn't get rid of them but you can do it more than once.

"Vottznewpuzzykatt?"

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