Dear Diary, today as I walked into the bascilica I heard a couple of priests snickering, and I made eye contact with them. They slunk away, but not before I signaled the Swiss Guard, who grabbed them and hauled them before me in my office.
"What did I do that was so amusing?" I demanded of them.
They both stammered, so I had the Swiss Guard nudge them with the pointy end of a pike. One of them uttered, "Your Excellency, we were watching you pass by and Father Nussbaum said, 'Doesn't His Holiness know he's not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?' And it just struck us as funny."
As they were led screaming to the torture chamber, I checked the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. Sure enough, they were right. I ordered the executions halted, but it was too late. I would have given the order sooner, but I was distrac...