So my affair with Dannii is out in the open after three years.
It was so exciting at first, I was like a schoolboy around her.
Then she got upset because I couldn't spell her name right on the X Factor paycheck.
"It's not D-a-n-n-y, it's D-a-n-n-i-i" she'd shout before throwing a can of fosters at me. I didn't like this brutal aussie behaviour behind the public figure of the petite princess. So I gave her the ultimate punishment, I made her sit next to Sharon Osbourne.