"'Tis the season. All these fake Santa Claus characters all over the world dressed up like me. Little do they know that I'm a skinny, 6-foot-9 Kenyan. MY SKIN IS ONYX, KELLY FILES!!! AND ESPN's DAMNED LUCKY I RIDE AROUND WITH THESE HOOFED DUMB ANIMALS ALL NIGHT ON DEC. 24th instead of playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers! If I was on that court tonight wearing the wine and gold they would've killed the Chicago Bulls! Noah would have been put on a big boat and a flood would've hit that floor!
That's what I really wanted to do, play in the NBA, but fate had its way of putting me into this ridiculous red suit and scraggly, wiry, black beard. Taxi! Taxi! Cart me to the nearest pickup game! I can't do this gig anymore!"