Prince William - My Fake Diary

...threatened to push me off the bed during a heated sex session if I didn't get down on her and fast. Of course I didn't and she threw me out the balcony when the Queen catched a naked Prince William. She fainted in shock and yep, you can guess, the police came post haste to the scene and I was arrested for indecent exposure and manslaughter according to them. In court, she refused to provide me an alibi as to my whereabouts during a secret meeting I was completely unaware about. She texted her name and my name to 1900 COM-PAT-IBLE and it told us we were 5% compatible so she threw her wedding ring in the river and dumped me. I told her to stick it, little did I know, I was STILL in the courtroom when I told her this. I was arrested on the spot.
I'm typing this from a jail cell. Life sucks. I'm sharing my cell with a roommate who is a murderer and tries to murder me every nigh...