Jesus - My Fake Diary

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Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Dear Diary,

I keep getting these calls from New England fans. They're really mad. They keep saying that I didn't answer their prayers and that they'll probably go worship Thor or somebody else. Well Thor is a pretty cool guy but he's not down with the whole "forgiveness" thing. So if you do something that he wouldn't like, he'll just fucking kill you.

Not so with me. I know you love being able to do whatever the hell you want and then you just say "forgive me" and I restore your soul to its showroom condition. Well as it turns out, I'm pretty much the only guy in the business that will let you do that. These other guys will just light you on fire or throw you into a ditch. You know me. I would never do that to you. So stop being weird and just get back on your knees. We all know you're not going anywhere.

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