I'm not a happy chappy you know. Just got back from Edinburgh and those damn Scots, pay me no respect, joke and point at me as if I'm a lone MP. Wait a minute there is only one Tory MP - note to Hague get the finger out. Note to Ashcroft, buy a Scottish estate, start bribing officisl, pour money into posh areas of Scotland that won't be difficult they are all chav's up there anyway.
AShcroft get to the marginals and go door to door offering full grants for double glazing and conservatories, buy Irn Bru make it Irn Blue. Rip up all the Harry Potter and Rebus books and plaster( he he a joke) posters of Becks all over the damn country. Get the white settlers to organise. We can colonise that damn country, make it so only the English can vote up there.
We'll slap them down once and for all.