It was Victoria's 40th birthday yesterday. I gave her a pearl necklace. After wiping it off she punched me right in the eye. Now I can't wee properly. I have to go to the doctors. What's the number? err, 999? Where's my mobile? oh yer, I left at the Adonis massage parlour in Old Compton Street. Victoria won't be upset will she? At least its not a female prostitute this time.