Dear diary - Tiger Woods is just as black as I am, so how come he gets all the beautiful white girls and I get diddly squat?
Just read the shocking news that my fellow American has been having sex with every white woman in the entire world.
So - smart-arse diary- just one question? - what's wrong with the sexy, black, American, girls?
Everybody knows that I fell in love with, and married the sexiest person on the planet so why is a dumb golfer stealing my thunder?
How can America's smartest president cope when his best-mate is getting all the publicity?
It shoud be ME!
Oh bugger it, there's no more crazy golf on the White House lawns for Woodsy! - and he's off my Christmas card list as well!
God bless all of my fellow Americans - except professional golfers!