Today's to do list:
See if we can use the Patriot Act to shut up Rush Limbaugh and FoxNews. I've brainwashed everyone else into loving me, so why not arrest them if they won't?
Tell the Reverend Wright to shut himself up again. He got into trouble for saying that AIDS was a disease created by whitey to kill off the blacks. Now he's saying that swine flu was bio-engineered by the whites to kill off the Mexicans.
Buy some more lip balm for my ass. The media is getting it real chapped with all that continuous kissing.
Tell the White House chef not to serve any more link sausages with breakfast. Doesn't he know that good Moslems don't eat pork? We already made him switch to turkey bacon; what doesn't he get?
The girls have grown a size, so I'd better get them newer and bigger chastity belts. I can...