Spoof news snippets from March 2017
There were 122 spoof news snippets published in March 2017. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
UFO sightings hit all-time high
Since recreational marijuana was legalized in Colorado in 2012, more UFO sightings have been reported in the state than ever before, but legislators insist the correlation is merely coincidental.
Brazil support vegetarians by flogging rotten meat!
In a perverse manner by "killing 2 cows with 1 meat hook" Brazil are now the "Messiah" of healthy living by flogging rotting meat to the world! A genial way to make the world vegetarian!
Lewinsky featured on new "adult" product
Monica Lewinsky's licensed likeness will appear on knee pads sold in adult bookstores and porno theater gift shops. Her face appears on each pad, above the caption, "At your service, Mr. President!"
Pelosi vows to resist repeal of Obummercare
Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she's not about to sit idly by while Obummercare is repealed. "I need the insurance to pay for my plastic surgery and Botox!"
Costco to cost more
Costco announced it's raising membership fees so it can continue to give shoppers low prices.
Bimbo Bread changes name
After being charged with sexism, Bimbo Bread is changing its name. Henceforth, it will be known as Virgin Slices.
California home to most homeless
Due to its liberal politics and socialistic economy, The Golden State has more homeless and more rich people than any other state in America.
Self-driving cars "too expensive," critic says
Auto mechanic Ben Fixt says, at their anticipated price of $300,000 each, self-driving cars will be too expensive for him. "I'd rather walk," he said.
Turkish Kebab restaurants in Holland go up in flames!
Dutch / Turkish diplomatic relationships have hit rock bottom, why? It's all about a "Turkish storm brewing in a Dutch teacup" Nothing more!
Bill Cosby's Lawyers Won't Go Out for a Drink with Him
The excuse of "We have to work late on your case" is getting old.
Secret Service Catch Man Who Scaled White House Fence
Since he was covered in dirt, it took them a minute to realize the intruder was Rudy Giuliani.
LED's punch these lights out!
LED streetlamps cause insomnia! Yes, especially if humans forget to close their curtains, pull the blinds down, or sleep outdoors! Mind you sex under LED lamps aint bad!
Kellyanne Conway Applys To Be Spoof Writer
When asked about her qualifications she said, "I don't need any evidence, I have alternative facts..."
Trump to Hold Pep Rally in Nashville
We're not sure what to call it, so pep rally seemed good to me, said former cheerleader Kellyanne C.
Trump Booby-Traps Tax Returns
Because of media leaks of his tax returns, Trump said that he has set huge traps on all his returns.
Trump Signs Executive Order to Ban Spiders & Insects
"I've never liked them and it seemed like the right thing to do" said Trump.
Pink Floyd Won't Let Trump Use Their Song 'The Wall' for His Wall
In true Trump fashion, he just went ahead and used it, claiming they don't own the rights any more.
Market Flooded After Woody Harrelson Quits Smoking Pot
The sudden surge in supply has put growers in a bind as demand is cut in half and prices plunge.
Trump Adds to His Threat Regarding How Republicans Who Vote Against Repealing Obamacare Will Lose Their Seats
He has now added that everyone who votes against him will be taken off his Trump Steak Xmas List.
Trump Claims He is Helping Elderly People by Cutting Meals on Wheels
"Ivanka read to me that America is too obese. So I am helping to make old people eat less" he said.
Pelosi Regains a Key Role in Progresso-Dystopia
Minority Leader Pelosi,but Maestro of Senility,regains her slot as the Wicked Witch of ObamaCare in the realm of Progresso-Dystopia. She is attended by Chuck-o Schumer as the Court Fool of Hypocrisy.
Ivanka Trump Has Office in the White House
All press communiques will now go out with the label, "Brought to you courtesy of Ivanka Collection"
Freedom Caucus Members Seek Asylum with Marie LaPen
After scuttling Trump's O-Care replacement plan,Freedom Caucus-ers fled to France,pleading to be taken in at LaPen's ultra-Right,Non-Tous-Le-Temps commune.Trump sent ex-seal Marcus Lutrell in pursuit.
"After Impeachment, I'll Just Run A Car Lot." Says President Trump
"A nice quiet used car lot in New Jersey," Trump wistfully said, then he added "who knew this presidency thing was so complicated?"
Trump Announces that Losing the Health Care Vote Was "All Part of the Plan"
Paul Ryan and Thomas Pence were asked to comment and said, "There's a plan?"
Trump Will Cut Funding to Veteran's Benefits, Science, Environment, and Education in Order to Fund Wall
...and that's just for starters!
German giants pull plug on Brexit Britain!
Aldi and Lidl, German giants have had enough of Brexit bullshit and closed all of their shops in the UK in a "Blitskrieg" action! Harrods, owned by Arabs, are also thinking of moving to Frankfurt!
Trump Declares Freedom Caucus Bigger Threat to America Than Isis
"For now, forget about that plan I had to defeat Isis, we have a new and evil enemy!" said Trump.
Microwave Takes Selfie!
Owner, worried about NSA surveillance, cooks with fire.
EX-pat aliens saved by the Lord (s)!
If Theresa May had her way, ex-pats living in Europe would become unwanted aliens! Thank the Lord there are the Lords to put her to the sword and thwart her bullshit rhetoric; Amen!
Big Ben's Bong is UK Eurovision entry 2017!
UK government have allowed the Big Ben Bong to be UK's 2017 entry for Eurovision! Theresa May is confident the Bong will win and show Europeans that British is best. The bell was Made in Germany BTW!
Jeff Sessions rescues himself from Russian investigations
Previously, Attorney General Sessions said he's had no communications with Russia. Now, pleading the 5th Amendment, he will have no communications with the Justice Department.
Rachel Dolezal changes name
Although Rachel Dolezal, a white woman pretending she's black, says she can't afford to pay her bills, she was able to pay for a legal name change and is now known as Out of Africa.
Cemex wants Trump to build wall
Mexican cement company Cemex offered the U. S. "cut-rate prices" for its product, which executives hope will be used to build a wall to keep illegal immigrants at home, where cheap labor is needed.
Starbucks goes after Vatican City market
Hoping to sell its product to citizens of Vatican City, Starbucks announced two new espressos, The Rosary and The Pontiff. It might be a hard sell, though: reportedly, the Pope prefers fine wines.
Japan's latest taste treats
Japan, which gave the world both gokkun and bukkake, now offers "animal cafes," where the eateries' mascots, dogs, cats, and even owls, can be slaughtered, butchered, and cooked on demand.
News outlets adopt AOL DIAL UP sounds as Pence theme
Mike Pence,US VP, found to have used AOL email in office
during term as governor of Indiana. News outlets have adopted AOL dial up sounds as new theme song for all Trump/Pence related stories.
Trump Joins What He Calls Scamatology to, As He Says, "Infiltrate Them And See Where They Get Their Money"
Trump has just signed an executive order requiring everyone to join Scamatology to make a Clear USA.
Lewinsky wears red and black, but not blue
With Monica the Mouth due to debut on TV, Monica Lewinsky twice appeared at Vanity Fair's Oscar party, wearing first black, then red. She won't wear blue, the color President Clinton ejaculated on.
Pelosi says chat worse than semen
Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi told Congress Clinton only "spilled his seed" on Monica Lewinsky; "Sessions spoke to Putin. Bill was impeached; Jeff should be, too. Talking to Putin is far worse!"
Lindsey Graham confesses his love for John McCain
Senator Lindsey Graham said he's always loved his "good friend," Senator John McCain and, now that gay marriage is legal, Graham would marry him "in a heartbeat" if McCain proposed.
Trump Quiet for Sixteen Hours Straight
News media around the U.S. shut down for inactivity.
Red light districts take on new meaning in Australia!
Traffic lights in Australia have now been liberated and tiny female figures will appear with their male colleagues! Transvestites and transgenders are over the moon, especially when they turn red!
Kim Jong Un Mourns Brother's Death by Having a Parade
Kim has been so upset he has cut time with the Comfort Squad to two hours, 55 minutes, from 3 hours.
Al Franken's Exponential Pinocchios
AL Franken claiming that Jeff Sessions perjured himself is as valid as Al Franken claiming to be elected in a fraud-free election,or claiming to have any erection at all.
"We are getting along great," says Trump of WH
"Anyone who says differently is fired."
(quote from unnamed source)
No sex in the UAE unless you are married!
UAE Sheikhs have forbidden sex among foreign, unmarried partners, if caught, you'll end up in prison! The Sheikhs however, have Harems in their palaces and marriage is the last thing on their minds!
Trump Reports He is Afraid to Talk Because of Fear of Being Wiretapped by Obama
Obama is awarded second Nobel Peace Prize.
Spitfires, Erskine Quint & Dr Who prove Made in Britain is best!
Sublime British eccentricity will prove to the world that "Made in Britain" is still the best! Restored Spitfires, Erskine Quint and Dr Who (who?) will never crash! Mad dogs & Englishmen rule!
President Accidentally Fires Himself
"It was an accident," says former President Trump after firing a record 736 people in one day--"but I'm ready to go back to reality TV and fleecing investors, it's much easier."
Lulu Gives Birth To Wooden Baby
Gideon Bable, Dorking inventor, has come up with a clockwork kettle that can tell the time. "When I manage to get it to boil water as well", he said yesterday, "it will be a real winner."
Piers Morgan's Owl Hell
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable has come up with a mouse trap that can make tea. "Once I can get it to catch mice as well", he said yesterday, "I'm certain it will be a real success."
Tim Rice's Nude Unicycle Horror
Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claims to be the author of Dante's Inferno. "He wrote it all down, fair enough", he said, yesterday, "but only after I gave him the basic idea."
"Hermitian Operators Ruined My Life" Claims Eastenders Star
"I hate them daddy long-legs things, they give me the creeps", says Genghis Khan. "Folk'll not believe that of a man like me, but I do have depths like everyone else."
Jeremy Corbin Even More Unpopular Than Jeremy Corbin
His Holiness The Pope Talks About Admin Work:
"Office work? I should coco. Oy vey! All that schmutter. What are Cardinals for? Do I keep a dog and bark myself?"
Larry Grayson "Offered Cabinet Post By Thatcher" Claims Deal Whelkstall Attendant
"The Duke of Edinburgh ain't too bad", says Buckingham Palace lickspittle Terence Arselicker, "once you've got used to cleaning up the vomit and burying the half-eaten voles."
Coracle Shortage Threatens Welsh Navy Bid
Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil once tried to throttle a pygmy. "It was on a cheap last-minute holiday in Botswana", she said yesterday. "I was drunk and he got away."
Camel Stops Traffic In Salisbury
More papier-mâché busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared, this time at Chichester Opticians I. Glazer & Son. "Our customers are tripping over all these busts", said Ian Glazer yesterday.
Peebles Traffic Warden Killed By Falling Capybara
"I have no time for flat fish, such as plaice, skate or dabs", says Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil. "You can't get your hands round their throats. The flat bastards."
Performing Crocodile Wedged In Bishop's Mitre
The Two David Livingstones aren't quite set in their new first-floor flat at Bosham. "We're still deciding on the best place to put our papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake", they said yesterday.
Centaur Infestation Threatens Littlehampton
A sepia photograph of James Clerk Maxwell playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has gone missing from Queen Nefertiti's umbrella stand.
Nude Postman Scandal Rocks Vatican
"Wombats drive me crazy, man", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "A wombat is one crazy marsupial. Those cats are really gone."
Peter The Great Slept In Fish Tank Claims Alloa Athlete
Among the books bequeathed to the nation by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Up the Zambezi In a Coracle, Through Northern China on a Penny Farthing and Alone Among the Kalahari Hermits.
Walrus Interrupts Daniel O'Donnell Concert
The imaginary wife of Dorking Batchelor Dick Palmer is no trouble at all, he claimed yesterday. "You wouldn't know she was there", he said.
Eric Pickles Launches Speak Your Weight Machine Range
Cretin Channel Highlights:
20:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off - Can Will.i.am out-jism Ed Sheeran?
21:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo probes the Wakefield Pantomime Horse Racing Scam.
Socrates Lookalike Calls It A Day
"Mice turn me all queer", said Genghis Khan, yesterday. "It's their little stringy tails. I have to get up on my wife's shoulders if I see one in our yurt of an evening."
GOP Offers Spy Decoder Glasses & Earpiece
Understand what Devin Nunes says in real time!
More From The Cretin Channel:
21:00 Gobshite Britain: The team spends a day with Wayne Cunt, a tail-gating, BMW-driving Con-Man. They accompany him as he scams naive people out of their pensions.
Find Love Now!
New Guinea Girls are waiting for your! Be the first one in your shitty town to install a tattoo-covered head-hunting bride in your bed-sit. They're desperate. They worship the Duke of Edinburgh!
Poltergeists Are The New Marmalade
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable has come up with an electric shoehorn, a self-assembling jigsaw, and a miniature ladder set for pygmy window cleaners.
Archdeacon Wedged in Chimney
Sidney Yardbrushe, the late travel writer, bequeathed us such gems as The Wheelbarrows of Siberia, The Hindu Kush in a Bubble Car, and the unpublished Bhutanese Girls Really Go.
I Milked John Craven While My Mother Slept, Claims Dover Pig Breeder
Late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe left behind works such as Get Creative With Yak Meat, More Things To Do With Yak, and Let's Try Horse For A Change.
Horse Rescued From Mezzanine Floor
Award-winning poet Len Blatt's new work, a tour-de-force entitled A Brecon Threnody, is a set of sixteen sestinas, and tells the story of a poultry-farmer's struggle with mirrors and powdered egg.
Pronking Is The New Cunnilingus
To discourage unwanted Jehova's Witnesses, answer the door completely nude, holding a haddock, and say "Would you mind holding my haddock while I masturbate?" They won't come back.
Plastic trivet for sale, lost its shape, hence low price;
Case of World War II Mock Horse Puddings, might no longer be eatable;
Bag of hair from shaved corpses, suitable for pillows, wigs, merkins etc
Asstd Used Merkins, various colours;
Box of broken bottles - great for injuring cats;
Lovely 10000-piece jigsaw of the subatomic space
Yet More Classifieds
Jigsaw of the Beheading of John the Baptist (Disney Version);
20 tins of World War II Powdered Horse Milk - just add water and stand clear;
Two Severed Ears, not a pair, in Christmas paper.
Quantum Foam Is The New Elvis
A 1924 sugar lift etching of Dan Leno playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats pier, while Mussolini smokes a Meerschaum pipe in the background, has been stolen from Cheryl Fernandez-Versini's handbag.
Bishop Discovered in Tin of Mock Duck
Tim Burton's latest movie stars Johnny Depp as Helena Bonham Carter as Johnny Depp as Johnny Depp as Johnny Depp.
"Strangle a Cat Today" Initiative Launched in Halifax
Former Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson is to concentrate on being a loud gobshite who makes a fortune from talking shite to an audience of morons.
Frank Bough Painted My Blind Uncle in the Nude
while Piscean lion tamers can expect a visit from a trans-sexual window cleaner. Meanwhile, Sagittarians will live up to their sign by wearing a loincloth to church.
Canvey Island Magistrate Stuck In Rent Boy
Dorking bachelor Dick Palmer has joined a dating agency. "My first date was a disaster", he said. "When I suggested we could save money and time if she masturbated me in my car, she ran away."
Bishop Removed From Mandrill
Highlights From The Cretin Channel
19:00 The Infinity Show - Professor Brian Cox tries to measure Heston Blumenthal's ego
21:00 Dickathon - James Corden talks to James Corden about James Corden
Boise, Idaho Ice Cream Man Eats Wife
"My favourite bible is The King James Bible", claims Dorking wife-beater Kevin Twatte. "It's usually heavy and solid. You can't do much damage with these poncey Books of Mormon or Jerusalem Bibles."
Devil-Worshippers Boiled My Canary
Alone Among the Blood-Gargling Mgungu Headhunters is one of the late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe's most remarkable books, perhaps second only to A Weekend in Oswaldtwistle.
Tin Man "Based on Hitler's Dentist" Claims Salmesbury Gobshite
"I died in 1851", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, "but I still think that Rolf Harris is a genuine nonce. Now yon Jimmy Savile were different, a real man's man."
Valerie Singleton's Oboe Hell
It was in 1864 that Tesco Van Morrison, the Corsican explorer, crossed the Salt Mountains of the Upumboola Hinterland, and met the Crouching Omelette-Eaters of Wahabilli, who still worship Napoleon.
Clement Freud Used To Salivate When I Showed Him My Kumquats, Claims Pwllheli Transvestite
The missing 3000-piece jigsaw of Lord Nelson and Lady Hamilton Strolling on Saltcoats Pier may not in fact exist, claims Ardrossan pet-shop owner Jonty McStoater. "I've nivver seen it", he said.
Butler's Clothes-Horse Nightmare
"Sometimes I get lonely and want a man", says Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil, "but as soon as I stand in front of a kettle of writhing eels, I'm cheery enough again."
Now Is The Winter Sale of Our Discount Tents
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable's latest creations include a bevelled aluminium mirror for older cats, a set of mollusc drills in universal sizes , and a rubber bathroom.
Komodo Dragon Scourge Threatens Heckmondwike
Charles "Turnip" Townshend is a big fan of blues music. "After a hard day in my turnip fields, I like to kick back with some early John Lee Hooker or Skip James", he said yesterday.
Eddie Waring "Bludgeoned a Coypu To Death" After Row With Stuart Hall
Richard III Gets a Job Writing Adverts for Go Outdoors
Now Is The Winter Sale of Our Discount Tents
Ted Ray Resurrected in Black Magic Ritual
Charles "Turnip" Townshend is a big Muddy Waters fan: "I got a lot of the inspiration for my Norfolk Four Course crop rotation system from listening to his Down on Stovall's Plantation album".
Cliff Richard Sat On My Face, Claims Leamington Spa Lollipop Man
A daguerrotype of Admiral Nelson smoking a meerschaum pipe while Lord Baden Powell plays leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats pier has been stolen from the boot of Clive of India's Ford Zephyr 6.
Ali Baba "Based on Jeffrey Archer", Claims Otley Ned Sherrin Lookalike
A sepia photograph of Sir Francis Drake playing leapfrog with Rasputin and Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has been damaged by melted Wensleydale cheese.
Baby Elephant Stuck in Croyden Bathtub
Among the books left behind by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Travels With The Bumbolompa Umbrella-People, Six Months In Lederhosen and How To Avoid Hartlepool.
Heston Blumenthal Rogered Me On Air Claims Suffolk Hospital DJ
A wax crayon etching of Lord Boothby strangling Margaret Thatcher while Lulu and Sammy Davis Junior play leapfrog on Saltcoats Pier has been stolen from the pannier of Frank Bruno's Penny Farthing.
Owl Surge Threatens Vatican
A missing Wet Plate Collodion photograph of Lulu playing leapfrog with Arthur Askey and Mao Tse-tung on Saltcoats Pier has been discovered in the glovebox of Florence Nightingale's Ford Anglia.
Apartheid Still Active In Broadstairs Claims Disgraced Clown
The Two David Livingstones have moved into a new semi-detached at Cuckfield. "We had had enough of Hurstpierpoint, said David Livingstone, yesterday. "It was the catcalling drove us away from there."