There were 90 spoof news snippets published in February 2017. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.

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Rating:

Prince of Darkness empties his closet!

Rattling skeleton bones and skulls, Ozzy Osbourne has admitted he's not the Prince of Darkness! In face he's so demented he doesn't even know who Satan is and calls himself now "Prince of Pussies!"

written by Jaggedone, 05 February 2017
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Doctors Discover Cause of Trump Turning Orange

Doctors reveal that Trump's increasingly orange complexion is due to all the Golden Showers he gets.

written by Al N., 16 February 2017
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Sex Lives Matter

A new movement that believes there would be a lot less killings and bad juju in the world if everyone just got laid more.

written by XRhonda Speaks, 01 February 2017
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Trump's Latest Deportation Executive Order Rids U.S. of Irrelevant Scum

His fiat rightly rids DC of delirious,brain-dead cretins, incl:C Schumer,N Pelosi,D Feinstein,B Sanders,E Warren,A Franken, R Madow, C Matthews,& all CNN fake news bozos. Republic breathes in relief.

written by Trinculoman, 02 February 2017
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Bacon Butties in the US in danger of extinction!

Demand for Bacon Butties in the US has caused a near extinction of piggies! Peru offered to help by sending millions of Guinea Pigs for Bacon Butty production, but Trump is demanding 35% import tax!

written by Jaggedone, 02 February 2017
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Ugly yellow car causes village war in UK!

Bibury, UK, a quaint village, has become a war zone due to an ugly yellow car! The owner loves his car and called the villagers "Ugly yellow Ducklings!" His car is now drowning in the duck pond!

written by Jaggedone, 04 February 2017
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2017 U.S. Women Reported to Be the Most Fit Ever!

Research shows that many women are now much more fit from all the anti-Trump & pro-women marches.

written by Al N., 05 February 2017
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Missing Trump Inauguration Crowds Attributed to Bowling Green Massacre

It was truly a secret tragedy for the Trump Administration.

written by Al N., 05 February 2017
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Trump, After Firing Attorney General, Says He Will Have No Trouble Finding Another

He simply looks in the Yellow Pages under "General Attorneys."

written by Al N., 06 February 2017
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Fishnets or no fishnets, once a "hooker" always a "hooker!"

An Aussie pensioner has found a new "Hooker Mate" after the last one died; sadly, his new "Hooker Mate" lives 1600 miles away, but old fishers never die they just shake their worms and hook up!

written by Jaggedone, 07 February 2017
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Hair causes friction between US and Holland!

Geert Wilders, Dutch racist populist, claims his hair is better than Trump's bunch! Angry Trump replied, "where the fuck is Holland?" Geert replied, "I thought you studied US slave history!"

written by Jaggedone, 08 February 2017
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Qatar finance minister claims slaves are just too damn expensive!

$500 million bucks a day is the price of hosting the World cup 2022 and Ali al-Emadi claims it's the slaves fault who are demanding wages; Allah forbid! Wages for slaves, never, whip the infidels!

written by Jaggedone, 08 February 2017
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Randy Quaid's act unconvincing

Has-been actor Randy Quaid was arrested at the border when, according to Mounties, he tried to impersonate a Canuck in order to illegally enter Canada. (The U. S. doesn't want him, either.)

written by Gee Pee, 26 February 2017
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You Can Tel It's Mattel: They Swell!

To keep up with the times, Mattel has introduced Transgender Ken. When his left arm is twisted, he grows boobs. "He can get as big as a 36C." Barbie says. "I'm jealous, because I'm on a 32B."

written by Gee Pee, 26 February 2017
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Sean Spicer Turned Down For Anger Management Therapy

It turns out Spicer is overqualified.

written by XRhonda Speaks, 10 February 2017
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Boobs or Butts? Porn researchers know your preferred fetish

According to researchers, Internet users in the East prefer boobs, while Western Webheads would rather ogle butts. Penile preferences were not included in the study, as they're regarded as "too gay."

written by Gee Pee, 26 February 2017
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British Government Issues Travel Ban to the U.S.

"With Trump in charge over there, we can't guarantee anyone's safety there." said the Travel Bureau.

written by Al N., 11 February 2017
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Scott Baio Lobbies for Trump Cabinet Position

"I can't wait to be like Charles in Charge and get some respect again!" spoke the former Chachi.

written by Al N., 11 February 2017
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Kim Jong-UN is a reincarnated Blofeld!

Bond enemy, Blofeld, + white pussy, has been reincarnated and is now Kim Jong-Un! Sean Connery reacted on his 83rd birthday and sung a U2 classic, "with or without me You're a loser and mega pants!"

written by Jaggedone, 12 February 2017
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Eurovision Song Contest; no more!!

The Annual Atrocity Exhibition, The Eurovision Song Contest is no more, doctors and scientists claim it is a health hazard causing vomiting, nausea, heart-attacks and high blood pressure and earache!

written by Jaggedone, 15 February 2017
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President Trump Does Press Conference After Doubling Up On Medication

White House aides say Trump was extremely agitated before taking two doses of Adderall and calming down somewhat

written by XRhonda Speaks, 16 February 2017
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My Friend Cayla and Chucky join dark forces!

It seems dolls aint quite what they used to be as My Friend Cayla and Chucky joined dark forces to scare the crap out of kiddies hooked on the internet! Satan has great ways of curing mobile madness!

written by Jaggedone, 18 February 2017
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Russian billionaire hits Rock of Gibralter with his super-yacht!

Russian billionaire, Andrey Melnichenko, hit the rock of Gibralter with his super-yacht after failing to pay a paltry $16 million bill to a German company! Monkey nuts to some, Coconuts to others!

written by Jaggedone, 20 February 2017
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David Cassidy; who?

Ageing pop star and member of the Cuckoo, Turkey, Chicken, bla, bla Family (Now what the fuck was their name?) has admitted he has forgotten who he is, thank heavens we have too!

written by Jaggedone, 21 February 2017
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Tapir Infestation Threatens Glastonbury

The hot water bottle was an Etruscan invention, claimed Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact, yesterday. "All this talk about the wooden hot water bottles of the Ancient Greeks is nonsense", he scoffed.

written by Erskin Quint, 21 February 2017
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Claudio Ranieri wins English 2017 "Sack Race!"

An unexpected rank outsider has won England's annual 2017 Sack Race, Claudio Ranieri! He won the title alone after being a mega-winner twice, 1st time the Premiership, 2nd time lining his pocket!

written by Jaggedone, 24 February 2017
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96$ and you get a Kim Mark II in the box!

"Pay peanuts, get monkeys" Ancient North Korean proverb proves Kim Jong Un right!

written by Jaggedone, 25 February 2017
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Opining on "Chatti-Newsi-Bullshi-ness"

The phenomenon of "Chatti-Newsi-Bullshi-ness" permeating the airwaves reminds one of a swarm of angry wasps in search of a mud-hole that they'll never find.

M. Voltaire

written by Trinculoman, 25 February 2017
Rating:

Taylor Swift Is The New Spinning Jenny

"If I had to choose between a Fiesta ST and a Suzuki Swift Sport, I'd go for the Suzie every time", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but I'm still tempted to buy one."

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
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Discovery explains a lot

According to scientists, Neanderthal genes still influence our genes, especially those of Hillary Clinton.

written by Gee Pee, 26 February 2017
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Taliban leader asks Afghans for favor

Mullah Haibatullah Akhundzada asked Afghans to plant trees. "We need more places from which to ambush American dogs," he said.

written by Gee Pee, 26 February 2017
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Man has day he forgot Trump is president

"Who knew food tasted so good!"

He also enjoyed neighbors, wife, kids, dog, wine, and wind on his face.

written by pinkwalrus, 27 February 2017
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Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got a dog in my tummy! Is it a sharks world!

The answer is obvious; if stupid owners let their pooch chase sticks in shark infested waters on a leash free beach in Aussie; they could end up in a Great White's belly!

written by Jaggedone, 28 February 2017
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'Kool Aid' To Be Official Beverage of White House. "Everyone's Drinking It"

Administration said to have begun process to award official designation of 'As Seen At The White House' to highest bidders. Branding to include images of Trump family, staff and cabinet members. Sad.

written by GProwler, 01 February 2017
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Donald Trump Signs Executive Order To Eliminate "Fake News"

... KellyAnne Conway and Sean Spicer Immediately Placed Under Arrest And Detained In Maximum Security Federal Prison.

written by SpyDude, 01 February 2017
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Mr. Ed The Talking Horse To Run Against Trump In 2020

... because whatthehell, anything is possible at this point.

written by SpyDude, 02 February 2017
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Local man regularly pays $5 delivery fee for food from restaurant below his apartment

Brian Yeats lives above the NYC restaurant Food Faster Than You Can Say Food and told us that "It's amazing that food this good and delivered so fast has a delivery price tag of only $5."

written by Brandy Pasquino, 03 February 2017
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Donald Trump Grabs Wife's Pussy

Suffers 14 Stitches And Bite Infection From Traumatized Feline

written by SpyDude, 03 February 2017
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Eat Up. That's an Order

Donald Trump is opening the city's first totalitarian restaurant. It's called Your Papers Please, and features an exclusive bread and water menu.

written by Michael Balton, 04 February 2017
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Trump Goes Hunting

Donald Trump is to take a six month break from his presidency to go sasquatch hunting in the Appalachians.

written by Darwin, 04 February 2017
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In postgame Super Bowl interview, Trump doubles down on his '8-point' Patriots win prediction

"Sadly, the dishonest media reported that the Patriots won by 6 points. Just wait and see. The Patriots actually won by 8 points, not 6. Many people have come out and said I'm right. You know that."

written by Brandy Pasquino, 06 February 2017
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RSPCA demands release of Schroedinger's cat

"let it out of that box, dead or alive"

written by Paxton Quigley, 06 February 2017
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Trumps "OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPETY DOO" Tweet Creates Mass Hysteria

Political analysts, linguistics specialists and other world leaders are at loggerheads trying to decipher President Trumps latest tweet. Marshall Law declared in 80 countries overnight.

written by WykTheWicked, 09 February 2017
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Dys-Trumpian World

I'm thinking of writing a dystopian novel loosely based on the Trump Administration. It will be called my diary.

written by Matt Birkenhauer, 09 February 2017
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White House Tweets - 02/10/17

Democrats -- just a bunch of hippies that didn't have the decency to die by age 30.

written by W.P. Wonder, 10 February 2017
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2017: The Mushroom Age is Here! World Media Promise You News Yet To Happen

Today the world's media gathered, all seven elderly Caucasian men, to discuss headline news which "will happen" in 2017. The seven, representing 98.3% of the planets mainstream news' outlets..

written by WykTheWicked, 12 February 2017
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Presidential Literature

J.F.K. gave us 'Profiles in Courage'.
Obama gave us 'The Audacity of Hope'.
Will Trump give us 'The Collected Tweets of Donald Trump' ?

written by The Ruling Authority, 12 February 2017
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Mark Lowton Gets Married

This news just in, while actually this news is several years old. Former Spoof Editor Mark Lowton has gotten married to another human being, destroying rumors that he was actually a form of earthworm.

written by JinoLeFeeto, 14 February 2017
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The Korea Criminal

There once was a man from Pyongyang
Who liked things to go with a bang
He pointed his warheads
At his neighbours' foreheads
And bumped off his bro' with a gang
(Of people with hankies & needles)

written by Rob Barratt, 18 February 2017
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Trump Stops Lieing Supporters Confused

Donald Trump today held and impromptu News Conference making complete and total sense, giving intelligible complete answers. Unfortunately no news media was present and there no witnesses.

written by JinoLeFeeto, 19 February 2017
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Trump Stops Lieing Supporters Confused

Donald Trump today held and impromptu News Conference making complete and total sense, giving intelligible complete answers. Unfortunately no news media was present and there no witnesses.

written by JinoLeFeeto, 19 February 2017
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Trump Nukes Sweden

"That's what they get for trying to cover up a terrorist attack on their soil!" he thundered, while randomly pushing every red button in sight.

written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw, 21 February 2017
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Pagan Mythology

"Shirley Bassey was my favourite singer when I was younger", admitted Prince Andrew, yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 21 February 2017
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James Corden Explodes

Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha loves housework. "I died in 1851, but it still keeps me happy", he sang yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 21 February 2017
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Jeremy Corbin Goes Commando

Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil says: "I always think that Labi Siffre would be good with eels. Not as good as mashed potato, but good enough for me."

written by Erskin Quint, 21 February 2017
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Flood-Damaged Larry Grayson Jigsaw Turns Up in Ethiopian Brothel

Libran librarians should avoid old haddocks, while Cancerian goat-herds can expect an encounter with mysterious dung. Thursday is not auspicious for Sagittarian balaclava-lovers.

written by Erskin Quint, 21 February 2017
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Fishkettles Are The New Liberace

Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says: "Actually, I love Wagner, he's not as bad as he sounds. And Desmond Tutu's erotic sonnets are my absolute favourite."

written by Erskin Quint, 21 February 2017
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I Was Peregrine Worsthorne's Gimp, Claims Eric Pickles

"The bottom has fallen out of the hot water bottle market", claimed Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact yesterday. "It's never been the same since Denis Thatcher did that advert for electric blankets."

written by Erskin Quint, 21 February 2017
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"I Learned Everything From Freddie Truman", Claims Nuneaton Horse-Throttler

"Labi Siffre's real name is Claudius Afolabe Siffre", tweeted Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, yesterday. "Poncey twat."

written by Erskin Quint, 22 February 2017
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James Corden is a Vacuous Gobshite

Trulle is back with a vengeance, especially when woven into a gossamer mouffe. Gerhard Muffdiver wowed the catwalks of Mitteleuropa with his faux Etruscan buskins

written by Erskin Quint, 23 February 2017
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"James Corden Used To Borrow My Suppositories", Claims Lunt Paedophile

More Highlights From The Cretin Channel

20:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo probes the link between Labi Siffre, Eric Pickles and Sinitta.

written by Erskin Quint, 23 February 2017
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Anal Fissures Are The New Jedward

Among the latest offerings of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable are a wooden tea towel, a set of reversible egg-cosies, and a bowler hat for performing lions.

written by Erskin Quint, 23 February 2017
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Talent Shortage Threatens James Corden

Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claims he came up with the idea for 60s TV show Pinky and Perky. "I thought of that when I was castrating 2 dwarf-children", he said yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 23 February 2017
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"Flayed Cats Ruined My Childhood", Claims Archbishop of Canterbury

Thursday Night Highlights from the Cretin Channel:

21:00 Celebrity Wank-Off - Can the Hairy Bikers out-jism Noel Gallagher?
22:30 Astronomy Today looks forward to this summer's Total Eclipse of the Sun by Simon Cowell's Ego

written by Erskin Quint, 23 February 2017
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Trump Babbles Coherently Nobody Understands

In a complete reversal of normal babble, Trump babbled so coherently his handlers passed out leaving him alone in a meeting room with a wet bar. HUGE, SAD. 2 hours later he was a babbling idiot again.

written by JinoLeFeeto, 24 February 2017
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Mucus Is The New Roy Orbison

Among the recent triumphs of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable are a string vest made out of barbed wire, a corduroy balaclava for boat-horses, and a set of perfectly-spherical snooker balls.

written by Erskin Quint, 25 February 2017
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White House Leak "Came from the Top".

The latest in a series of damaging leaks from the White House has been traced to the top of Donald Trumps head. Orange liquid is believed to have been seeping for several months.

written by Thevoiceofreason, 26 February 2017
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Do Androids Dream of Electric David Bellamys?

Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil is looking for love. "I want a man who can handle eels", she said, yesterday. "Failing that, I'll stick to eels."

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
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"Waiter, There's Soup In My Flies!"

Eric Pickles is managing nicely since being kicked out of the government. These days he is working part-time as a World War II Barrage Balloon at the disused Brunton Airfield in Northumberland

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
Rating:

Clive of India "Invented Mashed Potato", Claims Grimsby Wife-Beater

Eric Pickles is enjoying his new job as a World War II Barrage Balloon. "I soon got the hang of it, and it's such a high!" he trilled, yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
Rating:

"Dale Winton Lived In My Airing Cupboard"

Home & Hearth
with Aunty Jean

Dear Elsie, I cured my over-affectionate husband by rubbing anti-Macassar oil into his privates.

Dear Violet, I always favour Nubian slaves. They're strong, handsome, and clean. Steer clear of those smelly Gauls, and Moors will rifle your drawers soon as your back is turned.

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
Rating:

Elton John Wears a Nappy, Claims Ethiopian Boatswain

If you are a Sagittarian Oboe-maker, then you should beware of human furniture. Leos living in converted oast-houses can expect a traumatic Michaelmas. The spectre of Duck's Disease looms over Piscean masochists.

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
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Heston Blumenthal Cooks His Own Head

The Bhongi Bhongi pygmies of Southern Ngongoland have worshipped the Meat & Potato Pie ever since it was introduced to them by Corsican explorer Tesco Van Morrison in 1856.

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
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Ted Heath Drank Milk From My Breasts

19th century Belgian Balloonist Jacques Dubious was famously modest, and keen to avoid an over-inflated reputation.

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
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AMD FX Series "a backward step" Claims Cork Gnome-Maker

Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man to have two wooden knees fitted, is a big admirer of The Leg of Lamb: Its Life and Works by surrealist writer Benjamin Peret.

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
Rating:

Brian Jones Is Alive And Running A B&B In Hemel Hempstead

More From The Cretin Channel:

20:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off
Can James Corden and Joey Essex out spunk veterans Lionel Blair and Dale Winton?
21:00 Arse Disaster 2017: A Llandudno postman shits himself in his van.

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
Rating:

Calm Your Karma With A Roadkill Diet

"I've always had a thing for eels", says Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil, "ever since my Uncle Rodger used to put them up my nightie when I was at Primary School."

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
Rating:

James Corden Is The New Barbarism

Cretin Channel Highlights:
19:30 Culture Hour: Melvyn Bragg discusses surrealist Max Ernst and Joey Essex talks shite.
22:30 Acid Heads: a profile of cult 60s band General Fruitbomb & The Hessian Cummerbund Sideshow.

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
Rating:

Facebook Killed My Wildebeest

In & Around Towcester

Visit Sponne School for the display of Roman Leather buckets. The Milking Stool exhibition at Towcester Museum is a rainy day must-see.

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
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Ollie returns to safety of zoo

After carousing the streets of the nation's capital, Ollie the bobcat, deciding he preferred the zoo, returned to his cage.

written by Gee Pee, 26 February 2017
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Scaffolding Delay Threatens Rod Stewart

"Of course Erskine exists. To suggest that we made him up to raise money for the Erskine Memorial Gardens development is ridiculous, said Abelard Siskin, Mayor of Canterford-with-Lully, yesterday."

written by Erskin Quint, 26 February 2017
Rating:

Cats Are The New Pneumonia

Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil was not always fond of eels. "I used to keep a guinea hen", she told Human Furniture Monthly, "until I got my hands on a bucket of writhing eels."

written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2017
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Defrocked Bishop Living in Upturned Wheelbarrow

"I'd like to get hold of that Donald Trump", said Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil yesterday. "I'd cut his throat, gut him and hang his pelt out to dry like any old eel."

written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2017
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I Sleep With Jimmy Saville's Mummified Penis, Claims Bradford Cretin

Canterford-with-Lully's Chief Executive Loxley Waterbrass came out in defence of beleaguered Mayor Abelard Siskin this morning. It was raining, so he went back in again.

written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2017
Rating:

Cliff Richard Wedged Behind Tallboy

"Having a starved Grizzly Bear in my garden keeps them Jehova's Witnesses out", claims Wolverhampton housewife Viola Squon, "but the bloody vicar always fights his way through."

written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2017
Rating:

Hot Water Bottle Shortage Threatens Jutland

"I reckon that James Corden is a mint bloke", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but I still think him and Jamie Redknapp are the best thing on TV."

written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2017
Rating:

Bristol Undertaker in Corpse Substitution Horror

"I love watching A League of Their Own", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but it's more fun than my stupid Hungarian wife."

written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2017
Rating:

Jimmy Savile Milked My Secretary

Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite says "Prince Philip ain't so bad, though he brings dead mice in, and he pisses into the coal scuttle."

written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2017
Rating:

I Had Tantric with Aled Jones, Claims Huddersfield Lorry Driver

"Prince Philip is a member of the House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Gl├╝cksburg", says Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite, "but that doesn't stop him blocking all the Palace toilets."

written by Erskin Quint, 27 February 2017
Rating:

Skeleton Makes Good

Never harbour jackdaws. They shall ruin your home and hearth. Bringing their dark hearts into your boudoirs, these harbingers belong in the skeletal sycamores of Winter.

written by Erskin Quint, 28 February 2017
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