Spoof news snippets from April 2017
There were 37 spoof news snippets published in April 2017. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Obama Joins Jedi Council
Barrack Obama is only the second African-American to be knighted by the Jedi Council after Samuel Jackson.
Trump Pardons Bill Cosby
"All he did was grab some pussy and you can get elected President and do that!" explained Trump.
Walmart fires thousands
Walmart laid off 307,000 associates but promises to relocate them. The company has hired United Airlines to re-accommodate them.
United Airlines CEO supports employees
After his employees demanded officials drag a customer from a plane so an employee could take his seat, the airline's CEO praised them. "They followed our standard operating procedure."
United Airlines Now Offers Both a Red-Eye Flight and a Black-Eye Flight
The friendly skies just ain't what they used to be!
Prudent Diagnosis for Fox News's Judge Janine
To palliate the manic verbal eruptions spewing from Fox News's Judge Janine, she should reduce her testosterone ejections every Saturday from six to one, and cut back to only one cup of expresso.
U.S. Objects to Isis Calling Trump an "Idiot"
"Trump is an imbecile, not an idiot. Imbeciles are a little smarter." defended psychiatrists."
Trump Calls Kim Jong-Un Hugely Fat, Crazy, and Stupid
War is inevitable as soon as the North Koreans get a missile that can hit Trump Tower.
Dutch druggist chain adopt Hitler as their flagship logo!
Now we all knew the Dutch were slightly outrageous but now the druggist chain, Kruidfart, have proved to the world what we all knew; they're a bunch of pot-smoking nutters (Not Nazis!)
Indian monkeys much better parents than humans!
An Indian girl was discovered in a monkey family and it seems her habits are much better than children with human parents! No smartphones, no junk food, no tantrums; Monkey Business is much better!
Trump to Begin Picking All of His Advisers and Appointees from the Ranks of Fox News
Rumors that Tucker Carlson, and Sean Hannity will soon have gov't posts aren't exactly rumors...
Bill Cosby Children's Books Found to Be Among Most Banned
The book they like least is the one where Li'l Bill spikes all the girls' Kool-Aid with Spanish Fly.
Hillary ratings set new record
According to a recent Razmuzzen Poll, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating has plunged to a record low of -1,000 percent, which is "lower than whale shit."
Excuses, excuses, excuses, Arsene's excuses to be published!
Arsene Wenger is to publish a book about all of his perennial loser, historical excuses! The Crystal Palace slaughterhouse proved last night how right he is; always blame the others, never yourself!
Effects of infection seen in San Francisco couple
A just-married couple honeymooning in Hawaii were infected by a brain parasite, but still consider their experience "two weeks in paradise."
Donald and Melania Trump Forgot About Barron and He Was "Home Alone" During Christmas Vacation
The worst part was there was only around $102,000 in petty cash in the penthouse!
Tesco Apologise For Booze Ad: 'Great Offers On Beer And Cider. Good Friday Just Got Better'
'We're now working on our Christmas campaign,' said a Tesco spokesman. 'What do you think of: It's Boozemas. Come to Tesco for mangers full of cheap hooch?'
Celebs should never say never!
John Cleese is the latest celeb to eat his words after crawling back to the BeeB. He will play a gay Basil Fawlty who falls in love with Manuel and divorces Sybil; promises to be a bender!
Trump Offers to Fight Kim Jong-Un to Settle Conflict
"My proxy is ready to go-Vladimir Putin! So, Kimmy Boy, you aren't chicken are you?" tweeted Trump.
White House Cleaning Staff Accidentally Flushes Trump Administration
"Sometimes it's hard to tell the trash that people want to keep."
"Someone should have left us a note," said unnamed staff member.
Giant iceberg causes meltdown among global drink companies!
A giant iceberg struck the coast of Canada causing a meltdown between global drink giants. Red Bull, Coca Cola, etc, tried but to buy it, but a Scotch whisky giant called it Titanic and won the race!
Jeremy Corbyn Welcomes Election
'He's had to say that he welcomes an election,' said someone living in the real world. 'I wonder if Theresa will force turkeys into saying they welcome Christmas.'
Wonder drug comes too late for Jaggedone!
Scientists have developed a drug that stops neurodegenerative brain diseases, including dementia! Who the fuck is Jaggedone???
Bill O'Reilly and Bill Cosby to Form New Network
All women must sign non-disclosure agreements before working for them.
Jaggedone just reached 1500 spoofs and he's still alive!
Lawsuits, terrorist threats on his life, Mark Lawton's editorial clap-trap cannot keep an old spoofer down! Jaggedone reached a milestone; 1500 spoofs and still bullshitting! Now where's my cheque?
Bill Cosby eager to clear his name
As he awaits trial on rape charges, has-been comedian Bill Cosby says he can't wait until he's acquitted so he can, uh, "perform" again.
Rapper Kodak Black may be imprisoned for real
For violating house arrest and visiting a strip club, rapper Kodak Black could face hard time in prison. "If I goes to jail, it be worth it," he said. "Them titties was sexy!"
Uber to fly the unfriendly skies
Within three years, Uber intends to offer flying cars to serve as taxis or, for passengers who no longer want to be dragged down an airplane's aisles, as surrogates for United Airlines flights.
Elderely spoof writer becomes....A BARD!
Little drops of treason
Spread by tiny little hands
Can make a mighty nation
into another Soviet land
A profit + a Poet equals...a BARD!
I'm a Bard! I'm a Bard! I'm a Bard!
President Bills Syrian Children For US Airstrikes
The Tweeter in chief explained: "We're not going to let these kids freeload and take advantage of our generosity anymore!"
Barry Manilow: Gay Marriage Was For My Fans
After being outed as straight by his lover, porn actress Lanna Paloma, Manilow has admitted his marriage to his manager Garry Kief was a sham to dupe his fans.
New United Airlines Slogans
"If seating is tight, there's gonna be a fight!" "Not enough seating, get ready for a beating!" "If you resist, you'll meet a fist!" "Don't comply, get a black eye!"
Transylvania Airlines Announces Policy Change
"From now on, when flights are overbooked, we will no longer impale surplus passengers beside the airport tarmac," announced company president Vlad Teppish.
The First Two Hundred Days
BREAKING NEWS: After No Major Legislative Wins, President Trump Signs an Executive Order Extending the First One Hundred Days to Two Hundred Days
I got the results back from my Telomere kit to find out how old I was in Teloyears, and discovered that I've been dead since 2007. Bummer.
Website harasses Coulter
A website, Jess's Belles, sexually harassed conservative pundit Anne Coulter, calling her a "blowhard," a euphemism for someone who performs oral sex.
What a drag.